30-11-1999

Tuesday. Windy day. Took me a whole half of an hour to finally find myself at the postal office, very tough ride, fighting that kind of headwind. On the other hand, of course, later had the benefit of it, on my way home. Felt like a, ahem, breeze. Just two hours’ work, very near to done and wanted to leave some work till tomorrow Wednesday, where I’ll pop by to drop off my keycard, also. Nice surprise there, came in the door and Tina had left all of us bottles of red-wine. Day of surpri­ses: Had my warning of an aid-care package from mum, though wasn’t warned to the size of it: 5 kilos of clothes and others, will find good use for all of it, especially the sweatpants for keeping warm when running in the evenings. ~~~ Regular work eight hour, no news here. Well, wasted a quarter of an hour in a room with Karsten, Jesper, and Tina, at an alleged job-inter­view. Bullshit interview more like it. Whenever the government is involved, red tape takes over and everything has to be done by the book. Too fucking much administration for one so impatient as I. Managed to piss me off there for a second, Karsten, indicating my bullshit application where I had written of my whereabouts for the last years or so. Though in mind, obviously, how I’ve managed to try out a few different things in my life, obviously he, as everyone else, was wondering why I hadn’t finished my educa­tion straight off from the beginning. As he put it, “I’ve been all over the dial”. Managed to keep my mouth shut, which was in no small manner a great benefit to my future within that particu­lar company. Otherwise would’ve brought out the book of bad language. He’d better ask me straight up, “why did you waste your time for five years”, or not bring up the subject at all. Where I under­stand his inquiry, I do not in any way or form condone it. I will not be judged by my past. The past is good for one thing and one thing only, to hold the experiences we gather in a lifetime. But experience does not and never will and thank God for that in­dicate the future to come. And to try and take that experience, and second-guess the future out of that, is an insult to everyone in particular and a given potential especially. To judge a man on his past is to betray the structure we are given and all must live our lives by, it is to say ‘I do not think you possess the ability to change’, which is to deny that poor existence altoget­her, and in the end turns that not one oneself. And an act such as that will always anger, or sadden me. What we must do, of course, is not judge at all. We must measure the past, of course, because it’s where we come from. But, my God, the past is so small compared to that other measure, the future. I suppose he made a weak attempt at that, also, helped keep me in my seat. The first part, I had no need for it and never will. Five years of a life, what an incomprehensible amount of time. Five years. Five years of no time wasted, never one second. He had needed only go back 2 months in time, and consult his own experience instead of probing mine. ~~~ Tomorrow Wednes­day. Will get the last few things in order, then all depending on Thomas, whom I might be doing a favor in working a bit of over­time, prepare for next phase of the project. Eager to go ahead with it. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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