08-06-2001

I ponder the irresponsability. If anything I get to wonder about the mental blockade, that speaks of what cannot be done, not to mention even tried. I for one who’s so used to the idea of ‘if others can do this, so can I’. At least make a valid attempt at it, and not stand down beforehand. It’s such an admission of failure, and really not a pleasing prospect. But for some reason or another it’s also a big part of her. Where did it come from? From not being very strong at all, from telling this to oneself by far too often for one’s own good. From ex­periencing failure a serious number of times; now the willpower is gone, for whatever seems the use? Where I will not and to some extend even belive myself uncapable of adopting one such ideolo­gy, I would be wrong in attempting to apply my personal beliefs on to her. If a change must come, it must initiate from her or she’ll never believe in it. What is left for me is to be a supporting voice, let her know when she is down that path again. A difficult task only is as much as this must be done often, and one must be prepared to inform her of the same chain of thought, over and over. I could be overdoing it, considering the weariness I sense. This of course in light of how I took a good long time in declaring that my philosophy, now should feel annoyed whenever trying to explain that simple fact however one which only seems obvious when regarded from a personal angle. Should I back off entirely, leave her to attend to priorities as she choses them? Many good reasons hereto. For one, her concerns are pri­marily practical matters, which have themselves a natural way of working out with the turning of the world. She may fret over an unforseen bill she cannot find the means to oblige, when in the next beat it’ll turn out, previously unbeknownst to her, how there’re indeed founds set aside for the purpose. Second, she does hold the potential to deal with the more graver problems given the necessary time. A change of job, to name an example. It’ll take a sad while and many complains before she’ll get around to dealing with the issue, but eventually things will come head to head, and one or the other will have to give. But it’s a sad thing to allow a dire straits situation to live its full span and not cut it short, besides which the above suggested solution more than likely is not suited to deal with the deeper rooted problems of low selfesteem. Or, at least, it’s such a slow teacher, the benefit comes too late. The proper way to go seems a suitable mix of the two, the supportive and the lasiz-faire(?) idea alike. Apply the former in regards to the personal problems and the latter with the practical ones. I hopefully will not get weary with repeating myself, and by and by she’ll be able to transfer the experiences from the practical to the personal issues. Small moves. ~~~ In some ways I must admit to being concerned with myself. Was going to state ‘scare myself’, yet it seemed like an exaggeration. Seems I’ve been alone for such a long time before I found her in my life, I have been overwhel­mingly dedicated to practical matters. Where I always knew myself to be a pragmatic character, I wasn’t aware of keeping all the answers so close to my person. That is to say, those I’ve derived from that aforementioned great while of sole (soul) contempla­tion. As a result hereof I have become triggerhappy with my conclusions; in consequence, not the greatest partner in con­versation. I do honestly (valiently) try, still the point of arguing that which I have already sought and found an answer to bothers me tremendously. Repeating myself, was never fond hereof. In that regards I differ greatly from her, I’m aware. The troubled part is where I catch myself comparing her to those practical issues of above, topics of finance, economy, time, not least. An unfair comparison, not even possible, still I go for it, and more times than I would like to think of the result is not one I dare present to anyone but myself. Practical matters; “what if”‘s, basically. “What could I do with this time…”. A horrible way to think. Yet so deeply rooted in me by now, ‘what do I stand to gain compared to the alternatives’. I have looked far for this situation I’m in, this instance of my life, and now I’m the fool for being hardpressed to let go of those practical measures by which I have lived my life up till the point of her appearence on the scene. Required a greater change than I origi­nally thought, when of course I had no idea what the change meant. Will not draw conclusions, it is not yet the time. For one, I have but known her such a brief while, and the above sensations may be rooted in other things as opposed to the change alone. A bit of time will reveal the further development. Second, it’s quite possible said change will seem less powerful, as the origi­nal emotions inevitably fade a little. All said and done will keep a keen eye on the progression, try and adapt according­ly. A difficult subject to handle, in as much as in going for the theories behind how I feel, I’m not less of a pragmatic, am I. Had perhaps better go entirely with my intuition on this; though it will undoubtedly prove hard, in light of my practicality track-record. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. Downtown in errands, then studying up on the forthcoming exam. Am hoping for a quiet day.

Advertisements