17-01-2002

Month drags on. Want it to close out of a financial ‘concern’ I should let go. Have not of late felt the freedom I get from having a bit of ready money at hand, out of various reasons; the girlfriend having her wallet stolen and I found myself paying for her Christmas. Lending money to Bo, in a – for him – financial dire straits situation. On the phone to him today, as a matter of fact. Thought he was rather quick to get rid of me, but this may of course be just a silly notion of mine. But – on a good note finally received my overtime-pay due October in the bank. So now the above concern has diminished. Will try and keep investments at a bare minimum, and wait for January’s paycheque in the door. Then wear a smile all the way to the nearest movietheatre. ~~~ Attended the department seminar – early this year. Apparently the conference place had been booked half a year in advance, given as reason why it was un-cancellable. I can understand why some might think it odd the entire department could well afford an event such as this, when seventeen people had just been laid off. Can’t help it; the department still makes good money and I certainly don’t these kind of events are to be considered paid mini-holidays. Raises the company spirit and conjecture awareness, and even though some react with more enthusiasm than others, I think all get away with something. Not a waste of time, this. For some silly reason again got the jitters when I was about to do a prepared presentation; had thought I was all over that. Didn’t take me long to overcome it once I had taken the stage, but remain bothered about it. Have presented before others before, and should be more confident than this. Ah hell, the message got across. Don’t know to what ef­fect. Karsten dropped a clue to my future role in that depart­ment, but didn’t press him about it. Have one or two thoughts of my own, i.e. But that’s a later topic. ~~~ Back in the city by four. Lift by Anders to the company HQ, back on the train. Tired from staying up at a later than usual hour, rested for half an hour beyond the return. Out shopping with the girlfriend, towards a party she’s throwing to her colleagues tomorrow Saturday. Can’t say I’m highly enthused about it; don’t know’em, don’t want to. But as long as they’re gathering under my own roof, I sadly fail to see how I might avoid it. Sunday at only half of my disposal, though this at my own expense, sts.: Have offered myself as companion towards an outing to the National Museum of Modern Art, not exclusively out of the goodness of my heart, let it be said; on their merits, Van Gogh and Shagall each deserves a bit of my time in this life, and now when the opportunity presents itself I’ll hold on to it. Back and work on the course project, at present a terrible strain on my conscience, alas. ~~~ Silly argument with the girlfriend, under no circumstances due to a fault with her, I’m afraid. I must admit to having an ackward way about expressing myself, at times even overdoing the over­doing and putting together sentences too long for the owner to handle. And she’s so damned impulsive, so she jumps at the first few words and immediately derives her meaning of choice – when I’m no way near concluding my chain of thought. And she’s the kind who’s convinced nothing much good comes by her, so she immediately forms a negative impression of whatever to her initially sounds like it may lead to nothing good. Trying to persuade her no harm was meant – and that she’ll grasp this if she’d only hear me out – is difficult, almost impossible. Only answer is to wait until she lets go of it – but that’s a damn hard time, I add. Know exactly what to do about it, but less about how to implement that strategy, of keeping my damn mouth shut and my notions to myself. Hope I’ll get it right by very soon, for it’s not the first time I’ve jumped at that mistake. I know for a fact I’m smarter than her. Oh, what a terrible thing to say. And I sho­uldn’t make her suffer for being impulsive, even hotheaded, when holding the match under the fuse is my deed. When I’m aware of these things, I should rather hold back and muse aloud a whole lot less. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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