12-04-2002

Woke up and made love with the girlfriend. What a wonderful way to start out the day. ~~~ Sore throat – hurts when I swallow. From staying over at the girlfriend’s, lying too close to her window. Probably the same as she’s been through, though would like to think myself a bit more resilient than one who’s carried somet­hing like this around for a month, which is her claim. Now she’s transferred her painting stuff to a local studio, a setup by her teacher and his ex-wife, there’s enough space in her room to accommodate a move of furni­ture back to where the draft doesn’t get to you. Have taken to a turtle-neck sweater and polar shirt, an eprin – newfound miracle drug – and orange juice, lots of it. Will have rid this thing in the morning I’m sure. On the topic of physical well-being, the new molar settled, as fate would have, around a week ago, and I’ve been able to skip the eprins and, well, have full use of it. It’s the damnest thing; to break apart a cracked tooth, drill it down and put a cap on it, shape the cap to resemble a perfectly natural tooth, have it fit the upper mouth, etc. Was truly amazed until I read in the paper how an attack-dog with the police had the same operation performed! – then realized it must be a pretty straight-forward job. Works for me just the same, though actually using the left side of my mouth to chew is something I’ll have to get used to again. ~~~ Sold the apartment. To some thirty-somet­hing from Copenhagen, also, don’t know much about the fellow and am not really inclined to enquire, either. Know as much as he’s able to pay his way, happily the singular requirement of which I’m not about to bargain. Now await the end of the obligatory week of regret, means if he’s not heard from by the 18th of this month, the wheels are set in motion. Am looking at a takeover mid-June; unbeknownst to the buyer in question, it’s actually a gem of timing. Quite a number of things will fall into place around that time. Many answers to many questions, now there’s all the time in this World to settle my affairs. Damn pleased it’s gone. At a considerably lower price than was originally proposed by the former realtor, I must say I am past a care. When someone walks up to you in the street and gives you money, one doesn’t complain “this is not enough”. Enough, as fate and fact would have, it always enough, and as I always stared a profit in the eye I cannot bring it upon myself to be sad that profit comes to less than what some realtor foolishly optimistically claims he am, or was, able to sell the place for. Will land in the pro­ximity of one hundred and forty thousand in the black, and that is not at all bad. Five months to the sell, was beginning to get to me, the idea I might never get rid of it. Has taught me two things, most notably of course the worth of real estate as an investment, but also that what one buys and looks to sell at a later date must be something others will benefit from, one’s own interests aside. Heard a lot of complaints about the small bedroom and how no hallway offered individual access to the two rooms, and that’s certainly something I’ll abstain from again. Make no mistake; this apartment has been good to me, and I never for a second regret the purchase. Ah, but of course the prospects of the two loans seemed daunting, but I learned to live with it, and quite besides the investment proved sound. But so much more than the financial insight was gained. Living close to my job, making good use of that fact. Getting back into Copenhagen, so to speak, with all that came from that. And the girlfriend, where I was full able to realize the freedom offered me by this place. In a single word I captured the essence of what it has meant to me, this place in my city; freedom, to fullfill all of my desired interests. Now I’m moving on to a new place. Abroad, as ’twere, for what I would like to think of as the right reasons. Enjoy the notion of the chance of scene. Will help keep me sharp, and who knows where I might benefit from the new experiences. Consider myself quite lucky. No question about it, I am a very lucky man. ~~~ On top of the sell believe I’ve been offered a promotion. Per salary, not per title, but add to the story I would have it no other way. Titles come and go; the addition to my bankroll I’ll be able to appreaciate no matter the line on the business card. An expensive promotion, even; some five thousand pre-tax, it’s damn near 25% of what I make now. Would be grand were it per year – but it’s per month! Draw one or two conclusions from it, notably that a) I must be doing something right, b) I’m worth it. Really it comes from assuming a responsibility beyond the educa­tion I hold now. In reality, I should sit my ass down and take orders, not control the department-in-the-department the way I’ve taken to. Then I’m too old for that kind of act, and notwith­standing my lack of an education to suit that my age, I chose to make myself heard, assume responsibility at work as I do in my personal life. In fact, but let not the boss learn of it, I do not compare the two on equal footing, rather in favor of the latter. Work remains a second priority with me, as it has been for some time now. Can’t be helped, should not be. The way we chose to earn our way naturally speaks volumes of who we are, but should not become us, i.e. dominate our lives to such a degree that there’s not room for that life, where we might exert that we learn of ourselves, to be lived. That’s a strange kind of logic, not really beneficial to the experience that constitutes a life. Work is but work, we may exchange our time or money but the value of money, I believe, is disputed once in every while, and a decent point to that has been made more often than not. Am very happy about the whole thing; the promotion, i.e. For one, it relieves me of a certain pressure I otherwise felt about my studies. Had counted on rising to this level only at the end of them, past the final exam. Now it seems I’m there already (!), in which case I may focus on the studies without fearing the conse­quences of a failed exam along the way. Of course that’s not a great hope of mine, but I must admit it’s a possibility; more in the below. Secondly, there’s of course the money and what they’ll buy (the above firmly in mind). I’m less inclined to worry about my financial position, in the know no bank will close its doors to me, in my current situation. Very reaffirming. In short, it takes pressure off, and pressure off equals an unconcerned life, equals a more generous, brighter yours truly. It’s a compliment, of course it is, and it feels damn good to be appreaciated like that. Truly. ~~~ On the studies. Getting nearer the end – month and a half and it’ll be in sight, that dreaded exam. Am on about it because it’s stuff I don’t know much about, have a hard time boiling down and think I would have a hard time presenting to others as fact, which is what the exam – verbal – calls for. Am not part of a study-group, so where the others have worked towards practical experiences, I myself have spend the time going over the material so far gathered once more. The effect is a better overview and increased understanding of the basic prin­ciples, but I’m doubtful it’s enough to impress anyone but those as insecure about the stuff as I. It’s hard, but then again I suppose if others can do it, so can I. What is needed is time, dedication, going over it again and again until there’s a modest level of understanding in my mind I might exchange in favor of a ‘passsed’ when it’s time for the exam. But it’s a struggle, no question about it. Then those dental-operations past me were killes, too… Odd comparison, but gut instinct tells me it holds. ~~~ She’s stressed out these days, a combination of things. Asks me if I think she suffers mood-swings, and I tell her no, but in reality the answer’s, yes, a little. It doesn’t take much to bring her down, and the opposite is not the same, if she’s down it takes a bit to get her back. Like I said, a combi­nation. Her work, she’s not very happy with it and doesn’t feel much appreaciated there. Doesn’t think she’s slated fo
r this kind of job, but I think her wrong; given a responsibility of her own she would do great, only the circumstances are never there. At any workplace there’re bound to be conflicts, but people handle these differently and she might be one to take things too near. She shies away from conflict, or at least they hit her harder than others, because she’s had too much of it growing up; parents fighting, crazy mother, etc. In that regards she’s not very strong, and it’s likely her working environment doesn’t accommodate well for this. Now she’s applied further pressure by applying to two art-schools, the likelyhood of her being accepted are slim, one applicant amongst two thousand others. And it’s getting to her. And I wish there was something more I could do for her. But it’s hard, it’s the hardest thing. A change has to come from within her, I’m bound to fail if I force something upon her. At the same time I’m doubtful she has it in her, to change something so deep in her, even given the kind of time it takes. She’s trying, I give her that, she tries hard at her painting, and it does her good, it’s easy to see. If it’s enough… time will tell. It might release her from her work, but it’ll also mean she might never get around to resolving that fear of conflict within her. Then, if she has her way and all falls out the way she would like, maybe she won’t have to deal with conflict, her definition of the concept. But, dammit, isn’t it everywhere, conflict. What is it they speak of… ‘irreconcilable differences’. Can’t be avoided, only toned down. Much down, as ’twere, to where conflict is a choice between red and green drapes, or the like. Such a sad alternative to further-reaching
differences of opinion, I’d like to overlook it entirely. But that’s perhaps not her choice; if so, I must accept as much, it’s not up to me. It’s her life to be lived, after all. But I do wish for her she was better equipped to deal with it, that part of her which takes it so hard when she feels or is critizised at work, or something doesn’t work out the way she’d planned. Strange, how it locks us up, childhood ex­periences. I myself am not the wiser; there’re probably one or two things I should improve about myself, but am not likely to fully see. There’s a powerful sense of self that I know comes from keeping to myself a lot, also an inclination to hide away for a rainy day that comes from learning of Mum’s frustrations over financial hardships. In consequence I might be very selfish with my time, and stingy with my money. Just as she’s shy of conflicts I recognize a bit of a loner in myself, I’ve unlocked much of that but likely will never fully. No excuses; I’ll keep on trying. As should she, work on the problem at hand. If she’s not perfectly able to handle every single conflict comes her way, so what of it, no-one is. But the nitpicking at work she so complains of and suffers from being involuntary part of, she could be much better at handling it. Ignoring it, i.e., for that’s what it’s worth. Just as I’m less shy now than as a child, she could make herself stronger. There’s basis for it; too often now I’ve seen her cry over conflicts at work, and they come too easily, the tears. Any path of her choice, she should work at handling conflicts better. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. Meeting up with Bo for a relaxed first half of the weekend. Aim to have the Sunday free to study, go see a movie. Two weeks since last, don’t know what gets into me. Out for a run, if my throat allows. Oh, and should put in a call to sis, let her know the news about the apartment. Saturday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

Advertisements