09-03-2003

Dull Sunday to a busy Saturday. Was at work for a spell, then came back and worked on the course project throug­hout the evening and well into the night, staying up to walk the girlfriend from the train and home, beyond her partying with colleagues. Then she called and insisted I went to bed, which I did. In the morning blamed herself for spilling her guts about her troubled childhood, this when pressed for an explanation to her sensitive behaviour in regards to a particular conflict at work. Shrugged it off, she did, but it has stayed with me for a little while. Can’t trust her to let me know if she’s in some kind of distress about it, or need to talk to someone professio­nal about it, for she’s so damn good – too damn good – at holding back, and keeping it bottled up inside her. Granted, I’m not the best at going over these things. I’m so damn angered by her parents – her mother in particular – and their treatment of their daughter, it sickens me to think of all that responsibility they poured out over her when she was in no damn situation to deal with it, or even able to comprehend what the fuck was going on around her. Having to take care of her mentally ill younger brother to a degree where she was counted upon to make the calls and claim responsibility to those decisions, Jesus Christ. No kind of childhood there, not the kind that kids ought to have. If she shies away from conflicts now, from authority and from making those calls which now pertain to her own life and not that of someone else’s, who can blaim her? Not I, although at times I must admit I have the tendency to do just that. Mustn’t make myself sound better than I am; I’m aware of my lingering selfish­ness. Now, how can I try to alleviate some of the pressure she’s going through? Take care of the financial matters, have that pretty much covered. With a bit of money in the bank am apt to support which ever bills she’ll encounter. Listen to me, thinking first and foremost in financial terms as a means to an end. How about talking, going over some of those things I know she’s hiding from everyone and herself as well? Not the best at that, I’m afraid. Not really the tangible way to go. Have ventured my best attempt at it in recent days, but somehow end up preaching more than think I enable a conversation. Must better myself in this regard. Still… So damned angered by it all. All that pressure on a little kid, in effect stealing big chunks out of her childhood… Shocks me, that someone could do this, demand so much of a child and transfer their problems to it, when they’re not able to handle the shit they created for themselves. It’s a sickening way out of ones own problems, just passing them out to others to deal with. To their kids, for Christ’ sake. Now she’s bound to her mother, hand and feet, so insecure because she can’t find herself as an adult because she can’t shake that role she played back then. Insecurity that’s hitting her hard especi­ally these days, where she’s demanding so much of herself. How how how can I help her? I suppose a way to start is by offering her that which she was denied; stabilty, i.e. Peace of mind, by somehow having her know I’ll always take care of her no matter what. Being a good father to her child, thus inspiring her to be a better mother than her own, simply out of not being faced with a father who walks out and doesn’t hold his end up. Most of all letting her know I need her, which I do. Support her whenever she needs that support. A process long overdue, alas also one that’ll take years to resolve, if ever entirely. So much has been taken from her, her selfesteem is in such a paltry condition it’ll be a great while before she’ll look to herself first as opposed to others for acceptance. All I can do to be her aide in that struggle, that’s what I’ll try. All that I can. ~~~ The inter­national scene is a mess. Will be for a long, long time to come. Perhaps even the rest of our lives. America calls for a vote by the end of the week; even if they get the moral majority in the UN security counsel to push their resolution to attack Iraq, the French and Russians will veto that outcome – rightly so. Then it’s an America-only field-trip to the Middle East. Havoc in the region, later everywhere, ensues. God damn idiots – cannot see the reality for all those thoughts of venge­ance and oil money. This Saturday will join a peace-demonstration at the US embassy in Copenhagen, make my presence felt and voice my protest in this fashion. ~~~ Tomorrow Monday. Am hoping for a quiet day

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