24-04-2003

I firmly believe it is now time to stop deluding myself into believing I am invincible. I can certainly see why at one point I found it necessary to entertain such a thought; but all factors towards it have diminished so and so much over time, there is now no basis for it. The thing is, it was what I needed to hear, needed to support me in the notion of being someone special, when it seemed everyone around me were able to confirm this in a partner. I, on the other hand, had not yet found such a wonderful thing happen to me, and for all intent and purposes I tried to make myself appear stronger, better. All very basic stuff I guess, but I think it also speaks for itself that I should be ready to abandon the idea, this date onwards. Well ready to admit to being human? There’s a smile hidden there, but a little bit of seriousness as well. It’s in admitting that I’ve also now something to lose – but I’m behind any fear of that. What there is to lose is something I would now never let go of, and most definitely better than believing myself superna­tural. Now the decision has been made, it seems a bit ridiculous it should’ve been this way. When people get ill they go to the doctor, and all our progress in medical science testifies to the fact that they surely do, once in every while – so why not I, also. No reason what so ever. What is left to do is, well, is to admit to that fact, and go to the doctor when I’m feeling bad. Now there’s a bit of something I’ve been very poor at. Thankfully I have now the girlfriend to apply pressure where it is due, and listen I will. ~~~ Tomorrow Friday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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