17-05-2003

Should offer a bit of a record of my visit with the shrink, but hesitate to do so. Not because it was not an event worth mentioning, but because I’m not sure what to make of it, and certainly the practitioner in question. Tried his relaxa­tion therapy on me, and to what I let him know it worked wonders. Yet if he persists in trying to detain my conscience in such an awkward and definitely useless manner I’ll be on my way. Had looked forward to a talking about the problems, not this kind of mumbo-jumbo. Ah, maybe it’s a useless thing to do? Ever since I read about the symptoms of those damn anxiety attacks, I have to a large extent been able to control them, and downplay the ‘Shit, I can’t breathe, I’m going to die and then I’ll go crazy’ no­tions. Though instead a continious headache is with me, to assure me that I’m not off the hook and won’t be until I’ve managed to sort the damn thing out. The above offers enough of a conclusion in itself, won’t repeat myself here safe harbor the thought that I’m on to the right thing, I think. And deal with it I must – and will. ~~~ A bit of a holiday offered in as much as Friday was the day Jesus rose from his grave, made national holiday in Denmark. So bade the girlfriend goodbye – off to visit her parents and friends over the weekend – and went to the movies with cousin Thor. Saw ‘X-Men 2′ at the Royal, here in Malmo. Nice theatre, nice feature, a wild and crazy fairytale, of course, though perhaps just the kind of reality escape needed. Good to see him again, by his own accord he’s in the physical shape of his lifetime, well set and on his way to the Stockholm Marathon, mid June. Best of luck to him; doubt not he’ll see it through – if I can, so can he. Will boost his confidence, not that I’m enough of a judge of character that I can tell if that’s at all necessary. Got back and squared off a couple of games of chess, of which he won one and I the other. Not characteristic for the last ten or fifteen of games, of which he’s crushed me complete­ly, I might add for the sake of honesty. ~~~ Prolonged weekend of equal shares of labor and enjoyment. In the firstmentioned category switched the girlfriend’s study with the bedroom, by prearrange­ment, of course. Hard work doing the now bedroom over, as the floor needed extensive cleaning and I had to rip the wallpaper down in places where required. Looked around for some replace­mentpaper, but the basement’s leftovers didn’t quite cover what I tore down, will go in search of some more. Other than that look forward to painting the room in the yellow I’ve my eye on – this boring white has got to go. Then beyond the chores set out to reinstall a new operating system on the computer, that and so and so many applications to go with it. Two backups and all important documents go on the department’s central server – taking no chances. Installed too many computergames I won’t find the time to play. Thought back to the days of the old trustworthy Commo­dore 64 model, where due to the system’s performance re­strictions the games were far less elaborate, and thus easier to access and complete. Now they fill up several CD’s worth of data, and are comprised of even major cities, with stores, people walking the streets, hundreds of vehicles you can drive around, and so on and etc., I can see myself completing such a game but also see it’s gonna take me some several months, and so leave the notion be. Bo, on the other hand, would undoubtedly love to immerse himself in this kind of world, completely at his control. Where does he get those urges. Where do I? Well, in my defence: The appeal is there, and I do act on it, but also present is the fact that it doesn’t hold my interest beyond a few hours a month, certainly not the kind of time he, Bo, uses on these activities. I think he gets a kick out of it, am almost sure of it, given the kind of effect, notably release of dopamin, scientists have proven. Don’t know how else to explain how he almost seems to prefer the dream world before the life he lives. Maybe in all his games he finds a kind of control and power he normally does not recognize in himself and his surroundings. Maybe he needs to learn some different values in regards to what makes our peers respect us as just that, our peers. Running around and shooting at computer-men and doing a terrific job at that hardly qualifies as a markatable skill, given the fact that some twelve or thirte­en year old might easily outdo one simply from being faster in his reactions and having spent more time practicing. But, that’s his boat and whate­ver makes it float, that business is all his. Went ’round with a couple of Heinekens, talked about this and that for a spell before – naturally – playing around with his compu­ters for a bit. He says he’s tired of his situation, and am considering some rather bizarre alternatives to his present occupation, I should think: Said something about seeing himself in the Middle East, making big bucks on account of the high risks involved in working in that region. Don’t know what he’s on about, or, hell, just on, only know it’s his affair, etc. ~~~ Talked with sis for some half an hour on the phone, calling me from work to form a break from just that. Had a lot to do, but good of her to take the time out and call me up, in regards to those anxiety attacks I’ve been as honest as absolutely possible in talking with her, and she in turn has been a great support and a wonderful li­stener, and comforter. Will go out jogging tomorrow afternoon when she’s clear of any other obligations for the sad remainder of her weekend, am looking forward to that. Good to talk to her again, have tried to get together with her and her Thomas, but something always comes up, if not at their side then at the girlfriend and I’s. ~~~ Good days for clearing out my head and not thinking so damn much about everything. Of course the con­cerns have not left for good, but given a bit of time to myself and a peace of mind that comes with that kind of less-obligation resource have not thought so much about almost everyt­hing, at the same time. Or, put another way, good days for getting a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow Sunday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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