06-06-2003

Thought I’d just barely make in the door at work before the thunder and lightening began to strike; but the clouds vanished before noon, and only the seemingly insatiable heat remained. High percentage of moisture in the air had me worried about abovementioned natural phenomena, but it may be simply I needing to get a grasp of the Summer and its attributes. Day of working on that haste-project for the Ministry of Educa­tion mentioned in an above entry; challenging and fun stuff to do. Left early to do the last bit of it from home, but never got around to it throughout the rest of the day. No worries; have a long weekend to look ahead to, will find ample time to see to it. Have found that kind of time of late, working beyond the usual office hours. In time will compensate for this by taking a few days off, this when things calm down enough to enable such. So, escaped early, took my time in riding Downtown, and when I got to the station I caught a glimpse of the girlfriend waiting to commute. So was able to surprise her, there. Not the only surpri­se of her day, but had better start with the beginning on that: Yesterday she went a’walking with her book of art displays under her arm, and in this one gallery a very sweet woman took to one of the works in question, so enthused that she, the girlfriend, was asked to return with the work on the morrow, for closer inspection. Which she did, and – the surprise – the kind lady agreed to accept it into their display, at a price of some five thousand. By her own account she’s finding it hard to comprehend, that someone from outside of her circle of familiar faces should take so favorable to one of her efforts, and hold such a high opinion of it – and, basically, believe so much in her capabili­ties and talent that the thing will now go on display at the store for the next month and a half. What a wonderful thing to have happen to her, I must say I couldn’t be happier for her. It’s what she’s really been in dire need of, some kind of con­firmation that all that time time and energy she’s so far managed to devote into utilizing her talent in art was not a waste, that others might look upon it – and thus herself – in a favorable light. Now, isn’t that a magnificient thing to learn, I doubt not I would certainly like to hear this myself, and only hope she’ll really take this experience into account in any future, similar endeavor. What she has to offer and what she’s about is now confirmed as something that matters, not exclusively to herself but to others as well. If she had a really good day it’s mainly because of this justification of herself, and I remain very pleased on her behalf. ~~~ One sour note to the story, though, remains. In her joy she ventured to call familiar names, but alas as none were available with whom to share the good news she called her mother instead, who instantly sought to diminish the whole thing and make it out as not that big of a deal. Or, in other words, tried her very best to not make her daughter feel proud of herself. And utterly failed in supporting her, also. Heinous bitch. I swear I’ll attend the birthday and be kind to her for Vibeke’s sake, but beyond that festival will not reply in kindness to any of her utterances or acts of enquiry. I cannot begin to describe the kind of pain and hurt she’s brought upon her daughter and both of her sons, notable the youngest, out of what I can only speculate must be some kind of mental disturban­ce; but what I can do is agree to distance myself from her to the furthest degree possible, in the hope it might have a similiar effect on her daughter, my girlfriend, who so badly needs to liberate herself from a part she has played for so many years, a part where she is made to live a life of insecurity and being downplayed as a physical presence. I so wish the current sessions with the therapist I sent her to will in time spawn a reaction proportionate to the pain the child she once were felt, when subconsciously ordered to assume a responsibility she never should’ve been faced with, the resposibility of taking care of her mentally handi­capped younger brother specifically, and trying to keep the family together generally. Having to listen to all those fights, and witness her mother taking the younger brother and walking out, claiming she’d commit suicide and take him with her, single example from a ridiciously long list of examples she’s given me over the thirty months we’ve been together. I so wish she’d go back in time and let the child of then react to all that, cry out the indecency of the way she was treated and allow herself a choice of saying ‘no’ to assuming the part of that child still, now, as an adult. I want her to renounce her mot­her’s teachings, for they’re useless, not for anyone to listen to. I want her to get angry, enough to renounce her mother and never talk to her again on terms not her own. Renounce that damn witch and her planning her daughter’s life, for Christ’s sake. Likely to happen or not, what she needs is to survive her mot­her – simple as that. There’s so much in her mother’s teachings holding her back now, and they’re the sole reason she’s a child now, and not an adult. Acts like a child when she shies away from dealing with financial matters, as an example being able to handle buying an apartment and seeing to the monthly obligations. Simple decision-making, great troubles here. The pains of giving up her job, because she knows it might upset her mother; thinking like the child of then, who just wanted to keep everything together, come what may. And the need for attention, the clin­ging, the need for confirmation; all signs of a lack of inde­pendence, all attributes of, yes, of a child. Dammit, I want her to never see her mother again, because it’s just a Goddamn sad fact that it’s too late for her and she’ll never bring anything but hurt into her daughter’s life. ~~~ Such a fucked up hornet’s nest of emotional complications, to this beat of my life I remain insecure if I’ll be able to deal with them. I gather time will inform me. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. Enter a prolonged weekend, includes the Monday as part of the Easter holiday. Most important of Christianity, to the best of my knowledge. Will work on the ministry-project, work on a few things of my own. Read more of the Leonard Bernstein biography, possibly be out for a run. Oh, should remember to mention this day’s late outing with sis, Downtown and back. Good company. Possibly get hold of Bo, who finally, after months’ of no word on the subject, has found five hundred that will enter my account as payment of his loan to me. On another note, that was: Meant to get hold of him for a game of boule, or what ever the call that French summersport. Saturday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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