29-06-2003

A bit of rain came down and struck up the grass pollen, the worse for my hayfever. Foresee a steady decline in sneezes and red eyes, as I’ve been munching the pills for more than a fortnight now, and have amassed a fair amount of antidote in my system. So hopefully won’t have trouble when the trip to Prague comes along. ~~~ Out running in the evening. Thoughts of my theories of selfpreservation as the driving force, and how one gets older and wiser. In summation; it cannot only be about selfpreservation, or we’re no better than the animals around us. Free will allows us not to degrade ourselves, and sacrifice ourselves – and selfpreservation – on the idea of a greater state of mind. Won’t dive in the religious issue on that one. Now that I’ve brought it up, and admitted to holding the notion in high esteem, there’s very little to be said on the subject, actually, despite that – a lot – which has already been said. A lot of guessing, but nothing substantiel. Which, given our currently limited capacity, is how is should be. Only hope I haven’t been too obnoxious in preaching my theories, and seem to believe I put by far the most of them into that odd book of once. Should perhaps allow some of my time in a retraction of some sort to go with it, only that may be what I’m about here, I dunno. What I do know is that I’m somewhat pleased to be rid of that aforementio­ned theory of selfpreservation, in as much as it signifies a turning point in my life, from self-indulgence by way of volun­tary isolation to self-indulgence by way of a semi-voluntary relationship. ‘Semi’ in as much as a relationship is, by force of habit, consistent with two or more people, i.e. two or more to decide if it is indeed voluntary. Which, I might add, it should justly be, and is justified by being. ~~~ Would like, also, to credit myself with the transition abovementioned, as I do not believe I fell into the kind of circumstances which would’ve dictated an easy transformation. My God, the psychology bills – notably not my own – presently remind of the same, as does the calls from that strange woman, the girlfriend’s mother. And, I would be wrong to say that the transition is complete, or will be for a year or even more, I’m afraid. Am still a bit nervous about the arrangement entire, and hope, mentioned, the coming weeks and months will see less and less of it, that it may disappear altogether. The charm of relationships: No one single mind determines the way it turns. But it does seem like the current path is the right one, yet ahead looms obstacles that may or may not have their say. Issues like how she’ll fare with her art, and how she’ll stand up to the pressure of her mother. Time will tell. ~~~ Heard from Bo, rightly unhappy with the situation he’s in, where he’s been getting mail from the National Debtor’s Register. Now there’s an organization one does’t volunteer for, and by his own account he’s been hard at work not to get in touch with them, alas to no avail. Owing rent he cannot pay, the HSB corporation who administers the building, presses him to sell his apartment at no delay. If his luck turns bad, they’ll even put it up for sale for him, and accept a bid that’ll in high probability be far less than he might get if he appeared as the seller himself. To top off a grand week, his temp-job expired this last Friday, so he’s without apparent means and will have to deal with the local dole-office, one of the absolutely slowest-moving government offices in town. So he’s a bitter man, yet where I of course have a little bit of symphathy for his situation there also lingers the knowledge that a) he did little to save money for a rainy day in times where he received a healthy paycheque for his services, b) he did very little in the first many months of his unemployment to secure a new job, c) he did little to pay off a student loan during the many years where he had a good chance to cut that down, and d) even at times when he had not much in his account he was willing to sacrifice it before having a nice time, as he likes his luxury: Big apartment, cellphone, cable-tv, etc. And, well, e) I lend him money on a pre-scheduled payment plan that he abandoned without any kind of warning, for many months abusing my good faith by not even bringing it up during my visits. Now it’s wake-up time and he’ll have to recon­sider his budget. And I do feel sorry for him, but it’s not a kind of sorry that has me committed to helping him out, as he’ll learn nothing by that. Sadly, he’s some two years older than I, and just too damn used to getting his way. Shall not say I’m not the one for being hard on him out of jealousy, as – along with Peder Pedersen of Skive, for instance – in him I recognized something I would’ve liked to have had when I was ten years younger, and certainly present at the time we first met: An ability to be called on the phone by others, to be asked out by girls, to be succesful in social and private circles. Yet I deem that jealousy a small part in today’s assessment, for I’ve now also in later time known the side of him that becomes upset when he does not get his way, and that’ll have made a path for sympat­hy rather than jealousy. Still it’s tough luck, has him looking older, I think I mentioned this in some earlier entry. Hope it all works out for him and he’ll get a decent price for his apartment, will provide him with a break he perhaps needs. ~~~ By Thor’s to watch the Formula One race out of Nurenburg. Dull race, better company. Now also one of Bo’s creditors, alas. Sadly, the trip North in week thirty came to a halt by my hands, as it came in pricier than the original estimate, and I didn’t feel as if I could pull it off. Instead opted for a trip to Bornholm, three days in the low third of July, of which I’m looking much forward. Good to see him again. ~~~ Holiday commenced. So far have safe to say cer­tainly not burdened my schedule with overwhelming priori­ties. As I suspect shall prove the case throughout the next two weeks. In my excuse, they offer themselves: A five days’ trip to Prague, followed by a dreaded two days with the girlfri­end’s parents, followed by a few days’ visit with the folks. In bet­ween: Odd ends. Includes Tony Bennett in concern at the Tivoli, on the ninth of next month, most anticipated event. ~~~ Tomorrow Monday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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