13-07-2003

Saw ‘Laurel Canyon’, around noon. With Christi­an Bale, Frances McDormand and Kate Beckinsale, the former and latter as McDormand’s son and girlfriend spending too much time with the son’s estranged mother at her Laurel Canyon house. Don’t think I ever went up there, must’ve been pretty close, though. Think the closest I got was when I was a passenger to this guy at the hardware-store, driving my computer and myself home. Very nice gesture, by the way. A very good film about estranged souls, basically. Bale’s as good as I ever saw him, and McDormand outdoes herself. ~~~ Finished up on the programming and took to carpenting a frame for one of the girlfriend’s paintings. Don’t know what happened with the day, really. Went its own way, I suppose. Went to bed early to get som rest, but sleep was hard to come by. I yawn and yawn, and lie down to sleep and nothing hap­pens. I’ll get focused on my heart’s beating, and then my mind will start to wander. Can’t focus on simply resting. Why not? So many things on my mind… Where do they all come from? Can’t be all from not knowing the answers. She claims she’s pregnant, and a purchased test towards establishing as much claims the same. So it’s probably so; opens up to a world of unknowns, insecurities, probabilities and uncertainties. Yet, they don’t seem to be the basis of my mind’s wandering; rather, musings such as ‘will there be time enough’, and ‘will I get around to what I plan to?’. And the likes. That and the signals from my body, amplified in the ridiculous by a restless mind. Went for a run yesterday, three miles may not sound like much but the effort was nill, which offers no sign of a troubled health. Now she’s back at her folks’ for a few days, closing up her holiday. Which is good, her plan to seek her independance and still maintain contact with her mother sounds good, if that’s possible there’s no reason why she should break off the relationship. Think it’s the right way to go. About the pregnancy; will play it out, of course, and revise my notes and try to play my part as best I can. Will cost me a dear sum, but nothing I can’t handle, which ever way fortune takes to. Thinking back, naturally, to mum and dad, how they made it almost entirely on his income, and made it work just fine by that. Look forward to seeing them again soon, by the way, second-to-next week. Thinking of having a son or a daughter, of all the problems and worries that go with that… and the good moments, and the photo-opportunities, and lessons of life, etc. It’s too much to consume, so I won’t try to. Others have done it before I, many younger, many older, point being it’s been tried and tested and the world turns because of it. So why not I, too? Because I could not and have never imagined it so, because I was too busy contemplating solitude in a future life? Ah, well I may yet be guilty of learning there’s more to life than inwards contempla­tion. So be it. Won’t put a stop to other plans, if I’m guilty of worrying this would probably be my chief concern, that life stops with the birth of a child, that the responsibility prevents one from having a go at other plans, as this project will consume all resources available. Of course this is not so. A child make cost a million crowns, still scattered over some twenty years that’s suddenly not as disheartening as it seems, and the financial support from the state, bless my tax-money, is not to be over­looked. Conclude there will be time to move ahead with other plans as well, no need favoring one over the other. Perhaps another conclusion would favor the situation as well: There’s no need to be alone in this! Not when there’s one who is more able than you to deal with a child, not when there’s one who would not tell you that your plans are bogus. Not when there’s one who loves you, and tells you so. Suddenly the responsibility becomes bearable. She may not be very independant or sure of herself, yet as a mother she would do anything in her child’s best interest, she’s that kind of disposition. And this includes taking care of the principal duties, notably the practicalities that have me … concerned. She definitely would have some to teach me. I’m on my way to become my father, the chief income of the family whilst the woman in the relationship tends to practical matters. Can’t say this bothers me; if he has a care in the world now, at this stage in his life, he hides it extremely well. I shall do the same with this dumb problem of not sleeping well enough, and try and not let it bother me too much. Better times lurks ahead. And no matter what, I’ll be sure of have room for a comment on it, right here, praise the Lord. ~~~ Tomorrow Monday. Working day – will be good to be back, and have some practicalities to tend to. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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