04-10-2003

Back with the folks. As usually happens, a lot of soul-searching goes into it. Came across a bit of a nervous spell, and suffered it for some hours. Hate it when that happens. Went star-gazing – good night for that – and talked with myself for a bit, did some good. Went on about crapping in my pants till into four years of age, out of insecurities from feeling, despite all the love from the folks, that I was somehow a burden of responsibility for mum to bear. Also a burden of time for one who didn’t know what to make of life, but certain that the life lived so far was insufficient in good experiences. And with no man to share this with, etc., well, kids get that, even if it’s unsaid they get it, and I most certainly did. Given that what these spells are about is not anything physical, and the majority of evidence suggests they’re not, they’re about being afraid of living the same fears and insecurities that she/they went through over having kids and seeing the rest of their lives ahead of them right there and then and seeing only repetitions of a theme. Well, I recognize the danger of it, but do not accept the consequences, not as long as I can have a say in the raising of my own child and make very damn sure the outcome will never incorporate the kind of feelings in the kid as were inspired in me. Many things about myself will have to go out the window, I’m aware of that, most of all I’ll want to get rid of the always lingering notion of ‘a job is only ever as good as the job one oneself performs’. I’ll have Vibeke handle the most crucial aspects of handling the child anyway, she’s educated towards this and quite frankly much better at this than I’ll ever be, so here’s to trusting her with more than I have hitherto done; the danger in which is non-existant. ‘Danger’, listen to me. How bad does that sound. But really I’ll reach out some more and put my trust in others some more, for that’s what I need to do: rely on others, and not depend entirely on myself. No-one has the energy for that in the long run anyway. I’ve already begun at work, and realize it’s the right and proper way to do things around here. Does it scare me, shit yea, it does. Why, because how could these people ever do the kind of job I’m doing, with my work, my finances, my time, so on and so forth. Well, surprise, you’re not the only one to get things done right, others do it all the time, actually. It’s about relenquishing control, and looking to others to know what’s best for you. Surprise, sometimes they get it right, and it saves you so and so much of hardship and time that might be spent at your leisure towards helping others or just having plain old fun. ‘Doing what you can with what you’ve got’. I might be straying from the subject matter; the responsibility of it, of taking it all on my shoulders, fuck it, there’s no reason for this and it’s not something I’m forced to do, so why go about it that ackward way. I have lived till near thirty years of age and I’ve got my values set straight, and even though I may be programmed in such a way as to shy from the responsibility of being in charge of a child, I fully recognize that this is not something I’ll have to live by. Debugging, in other words, is in progress. Am I ruefull (?) about it, no, if I ever was I’m past it. She/they did what they felt was the right thing to do, respectively, and I doubt they’ve ever given great thought to it, past the initial regret. We all make mistakes, and I’m not so baleful(?) as to harbor hard feelings over decision that I may have made myself, given a different path of my life. I’m thankful in as much as I’m able to see things for what they are, notably these insights into why I react the way I do, and able to act on them, but I won’t nurish regret or take it any further than deciding upon ways, like the above trusting others for example, to make right what’s not. There’s no right or wrong in what they did, there’s just what they did, and pointing a finger in blame won’t make a damn bit of difference one way or the other. I’m not so fucked up I can’t tell what’s the proper thing to do in my own life, and that’s what counts. ~~~ To Viborg and back, shopping at my heart’s content. Bought a DVD copy of ‘L.A. Confidential’ that I look forward to seeing again. Also a new mouse-mat in exchange for the one the damn parot ate, good riddance. And a new knife and protective shield for my electric razor, got back and straight into the bathroom for a closer shave than I’ve felt it for a long time, using the old, tired knife. Good to be shorn of it, the beard, had begun to itch like hell. Guess I’m not the full-bearded type. ~~~ Tomorrow Sunday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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