12-11-2003

Felt under the weather – sore throat from the word go, and so did not appear for work. Cannot remember when last I did that, but attribute much of it, i.e. the fact that I did not up for work under any circumstances, to my reasonably newfound human side. One funny, also a trifle peculiar, thing just noted; as much as I felt invincible back then, as much do I feel, shall we say, ‘human’, now. Maybe they’re trying to balance themselves out, or something. . ~~~ What else do I remember from my childhood. One notable thing: Of taking in the new house in Roum, moving day. If I remembered the Loevel house as big, it was surely nothing compared to this new one. Think I was told to go see what kind of room I wanted. Remember the furnace-room, for its vastness and the ‘old reliable’. Of course they built it even bigger than it was then – remember much of that process, also. I guess I remember those short clips of the move because I learned, for the first time, that some things don’t have to stay the same. Amen to that – valuable lesson. It is said a move can be one of the more traumatic experiences to us, but I doubt if I came away much traumatized by this first one; I have since moved many times, and almost immediately settled in where ever I came. ~~~ I gather by way of logic it must’ve been around this time I started to spend a lot of time with myself and my devices. I know they – she – didn’t continue the day-care operation. So no company there. I know sis was there, but I cannot remember if we played together much. But of course we must have? What’s certain is that she, mum, spent a lot of time to herself, but if it was more or less than she was used to, I have no way of knowing. Besides, of course, asking her. ~~~ What else, what else… Oh, there’s an image of her telling me not to ride too close to the road up the driveway, because cars might come out of no where. I don’t think I ever doubted that she cared. I may have doubted if she … loved. The word itself was certainly rarely brought up, or I would’ve recalled this further. Did the anger come from that? God, I was so angry, I remember that. A lot of it pent up, I gather from the way I got it out of my system, by way of short bursts. Throwing stuff, hitting tables with my fist. Note this is just me jotting down, now, no specific structure to it. The one with me inviting a buddy from school home on my birthday, when I knew I wasn’t allowed this, has lingered with me. Her unwillingness to socialize turned around and came down on me, and I felt all the injustice in this world when she dragged me into that bathroom and scolded me. I draw a lot of conclusions from that one. Of course I should try and have her comment on it. But I doubt if she’ll remember it. Where to go from here? ~~~ Tomorrow Thursday. Have taken the day off in light of the overtime spent at work throughout the last month. Friday as well, as a matter of fact. Hope to see the end of this sore throat, and be out for a run again. I’m guessing that’s what set it off in the first place, running at a late, cold hour. That’s the way it usually is with me, each start of Winter and start of Summer I’m down with a cold or sore throat or what have you. Will get some work done on the project, given that time to boot. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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