31-12-2003

Forgot how much it hurts to have a wisdom-tooth removed. The procedure itself, of course, is releatively painless. But, damn, the days following. By the dentist’s account, they’re now gone, all of them. And good riddance. Offered mild painkillers and mouthwash, but it will another few days until the pain goes away. Removed me also from my concentration, so am not writing much these days. Watching movies to keep my mind off the pain and pass time all the quicker; resaw ‘A Walk to Remember’, teenage love-drama obviously engineered towards the Christian market. Must admit to a rather odd fascination for this one, unknown origin. Am not feeling particularly Christian or even teenage anymore. Think it fits, to some extent, some teenage fantasy of mine, though, which offers some explanation into it. Still seems odd, though. ~~~ Damn tooth. Can’t do this right now, sorry. Tomorrow Thursday. Out on the train, homebound. Am hoping for a quiet day. ~~~ I would not much like to have to repeat this year. So much has taken place, some things good, most of them bad. What follows here is not a chronological run-down, rather my usual attempt at establishing the major moves. ~~~ Passed my exam. For reasons unclear to me I’m thinking of this event as if it were last year or even at times the year before that I received my final grade. Very happy about it, too, as I’m happy about the entire endeavor. Three long years I spent a great number of evenings on my couch with many books, some boring, some fun, all of them interesting and helpful along the way. And what a way. From nineteen ninety-four until now, it’s been a project that has been damn long in conclusion. I did take my very long time to close this one up. But now it’s done, to my utmost personal satisfaction. Given all the events of the three years past, I do not think I could’ve done very much better than I did. An interesting ride; personally challenging. Learned more than what I derived from the books, I think. Rest secured with the knowledge that I’ll always have this education to fall back on now. Though, let it be said, more secured in the know I still have it in me to follow through, and finish what I started. Even think that counts for more than the official diplomae. ~~~ Seems the oncoming change of the paternal tide has brought about a change within my social circle as well. Never extended far and wide, alas now counts one less. Apparently this is not unusual in these circumstances, where ones priorities stand so clearly defined as to allow an easy comparison with those of ones friends. We may once have had a lot in common, Bo and I, but this an awful long time ago where I suspect I was faced with as few obligations as he. Over the years he’s become more of a mystery to me and less of the man I once befriended for his self-assurance and easy-going way of life. He seems to me now someone who’s running away of fear of becoming his father. But of course all of this is speculation. What I mean to say is this: Best of luck to him. I do hope he turns out happy and satisfied about his life, and if he should choose to establish contact between us once more, I for one will not turn him away at the door. On a more positive note on the matter of friendships, this year offered a closer contact with cousin Thor. The holidaying on Bornholm was an especially terrific time, I thought. He is tremendously good company, quick with a joke and the odd favor whenever the opportunity comes across. I do believe there is little he would not do to help out if ever I should fall upon hard times. In other words he is to me now closer to being a brother than a cousin, and I should trust that to say it all. Have seen a lot of him lately, and would not mind in the least if this were to continue so. One of the good guys. On friendships, also found the time to finally meet with many of those merry guys I’ve regularly joined up with on the Internet, via our games-group, and it was good and fun to learn they prove their equal in a social as well as Internet setting. I am not by a longshot done as it comes to increase the diameter of my social circle. But as luck and fate will have it, there is time yet. ~~~ The World is at rage with war. Declared or undeclared, officially over or maintained in secrecy. It seems whereever we look, lives are shattered and opinions are coerced, and suppressed. I suspect some would argue this has been the way of the World for its duration, and they would be right, wouldn’t they. Yet I for one am experiencing these sentiments for the first time; as I, and those of my generation, never lived through the cold war, for example. It seems like we’re at a breaking point in history, where ancient guards feel their strenghts diminish, and clash in a final stand before their influence fades away. This is understandable, yet unacceptable. I retain my right to protest it, as I have done this past year. For the basic drive behind it is fear of the unknown, and the motivational force, greed, revenge, is unjust. Where will it end? With four or five generations beyond, a new balance will be struck, shaky at first but then increasingly sturdy, until there will be a generation of peace. A new World Order. Of course, new conflicts mount from there. Before this, tension will rise and many World leaders will fall. One needs only to question every belief put before one, and most certainly question the leaders who present them. May seem like a heap of hard work, yes, but the reward, independence and a firm platform of conviction, is worth it. ~~~ Moved back to Copenhagen, to Frederiksberg. A place which has yet to disagree with me. Means an added time to spend at my own devices, only hope I have spent it wisely so far. Has most certainly done Vibeke well. As for myself, I do not regret the time spent in Sweden. A most valuable experience it was, as well as a sound financial investment. Given a bit of added time I will come to find the move a neccessity. I hope when I look back upon that time, I will also remember some happy moments, despite all the helplessness I have felt. It was good to try, and good to be done with, and that’s about all I should volunteer, I think. ~~~ Spent half a week in Prague with the girlfriend. A very passionate few days, beyond which I was given notice of impending fatherhood.~~~ I’m pretty scared. Scared of all that is out there I have no prior knowledge of, nor ways to secure knowledge about. It seems so much to learn, to overcome, I am even terrified of trying to find out how much there is to learn; as it could well be I should find myself in the know that the rest of my life would offer no consolation. I know not how I would find the capacity for that, within myself. How would I fare, if I were to go against all that which has taken so much time to build up, and kept me safe and protected me when times were bad and I knew how I would be alright, because one moves so fast through this world when one travels alone, surely fast enough to out-run every obstacle thrown in the way. I gather I am about to break that wall down. And for what? To which end? As per the above, I know not. All I seem to know I built into that wall: self-assurance, self-reliance, self-preservation most of all. But all will tumble now. Who wouldn’t be afraid of that? I am less than proud of myself. Continuously searching for a way out of this uncertainty. Questioning my sanity, daily. Why should I willingly put myself in a situation where I would become volunerable again? Herein is no logic, or even common sense. Yet that is where I am headed. Why, certainly not because I am attempting my best at being brave. Most definitely not on account of pleasing my curiosity. And to hell with celebrating life, physically or philosophically. So wherefore do I find myself here, now? For one because of my stubbornness; my unwillingness to suffer defeat. And for reasons of believing in the divine, surely. Yet also because I very much believe in her, and the concept of she and I together. But all of the above would not be sufficient in describing the true circumstances behind the decision … ~~~ … First and foremost it will be s
o because it feels right. And I can state this despite the agony I’ve felt. If anything I have come to see my previous life, before I met her, for what it was, and it is disheartening to admit one has been in the wrong for such a long time. I think there’s a tremendous chance if I had not met her and remained alone for much longer than I did, I would have curled up and stayed indoors and never ventured out into the World. I would have been alone for the rest of my life. I think I got close to that. I’m shamed, in as much as in that time I believe I turned away people I would like to have known, now, at this time. But what is done is done, and there’s no sense in crying over it, as opposed to trying to correct it. Meaning only this, I must try my very best at embracing this new state of being. And this means being open to learning new things every single day, and giving more of myself towards a purpose not exclusively my own. Or ‘investing’, rather. For that’s what it is. I so wonder what it will be like. I’m able to imagine, increasingly, situations where I’ll react this way or that on a given scene, but I have of course yet to put these to the test. Ah, but others before I have done it, so I know I’ll be able to. That’s what I’ll stick by. I have little other choice in the matter, actually. How will this effect my dreams, my desires? And I am talking not exclusively about being a father, for I recall being in trouble some months before that became a fact. What I trust is this, that within a very short while past the birth of my child I will have most of the answers down. I’ll know if I’m all about being afraid for the rest of my time, or if the fear plans to diminish
in strenght, at least. To an extent I hope it’ll be around for a beat; I think if it were to suddenly go away, it would mean I would not be on my toes and might be caught off guard: As I have yet a tremendous amount to learn about myself, and the fear is the motivational force that drives me. In other words, if I were not afraid to change so much, so fast, I would have long since opted to run away. I did that for a long time, see. Countless miles. I became almost inhuman. Well, not so anymore. I am volunerable, and that’s how it’s going to stay, from here onwards. Now, I may as well predict I’m not going to like that, that it is more than likely I’ll feel an effect of laying myself open to this, that I’m liable to be less reckoned with by those who do not harbor the same impulses. I guess my sole defense is this, that it feels right. Because I love her, because I want to do right by her. Damn the consequences! There will be a few more arguments, brought on by my unconscious tendency to dismiss that change. There will be doubts on my part, more often than I shall like it. There will be times when I will even doubt her commitment. I know there will. But there will be good times, also. There will be lots and lots of smiles, and joking about, and there’s a Summer waiting in the wings, and it holds many promises of many happy moments. And then the fear will go away. In time, it will go away. It already has greatly diminished in capacity. I look forward to seeing it fulfill this development. ~~~ Time to look ahead again. Throughout most of the year I’ve looked ahead singular days, and that’s no way to treat the concept of a life. I did manage, before getting punched around, to achieve one or two goals; and I’ve learned so much about myself, I wouldn’t know where to start in making use of it all. But try I will, and where’s a better start than a fresh year. I do not expect to be rid of all anxieties within the first few seconds into the new one, but do harbor a desire to allow time to work for me and not against me, which has too often been the case with this year almost passed. A main priority shall be the writing of my scripts. If there is any given activity that will allow me to sort out all these thoughts and musing in my head, organize and make certain I do not drown in them, composing these screenplays may well prove the one. Feels as right as it ever did, I deem it damn healthy and will find time for this before almost anything else. Will also be the only other priority I’ll lay down in print – of course becoming a father being the first. Socially and professionally I have little idea what the time up ahead will bring, to be frankfully honest. So I won’t go into them, rather play that one as it falls. First things first. ~~~ I would not much like to have to repeat this year, but I firmly believe in time I will be thankful I did go through it. I could write dozens of pages pertaining to the above, but there would be little sense. All has been said and done, in the above and throughout the year. So for now I have naught left but to turn the page, and accept, with utmost gratitude and humble expectations, the coming of the new year.

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