31-01-2004

Went on a journey and retrieved shelves for the cabinet I put up, the old one of sis’, now meant to hold the baby’s stuff. Heavy stuff, sixteen mm plywood. By my first look of it I’ll accuse the carpenter of sawing them into the wrong length, but won’t know until tomorrow, when I’ll drill out the holes for them and install them. Hope he’s done it right, would hate to have to take ends off of them. Girlfriend claims she’s near done shopping for absolutely necessary items, of which I’m hopeful. ~~~ Rested for a length upon our return. Two solid hours, and I mean solid. Meant not getting to bed until two, later in the night. Don’t really know what happened to the day. Was gone soon enough. Saw ‘Underworld’, helped shorten it even further. Horrible film; not my kind at all, but had thought it to be worth the girlfriend’s while. But she didn’t think too highly of it, either, I’m afraid. ~~~ ‘What would you do if you were alone?’, she asks. It’s a legitimate question. And one I don’t have the answer for, just this beat. These months I’m content with simply living my life to some kind of routine, and working on putting bad experiences past me and making room for new ones, a lot, to come. The script seems to be as far as I’m ready to take it in terms of living my life to the fullest extent. Is there harm in that, well, there is of course some waste of time. Which is bad, but not the same as giving everything up and away. Also there’s a piece of danger as well, in as much as that routine may all too quickly become a source of dependency. ‘Dependency’. I have a feeling I’m no where near knowing the true meaning of the word. Yes, scares me. Still. The waiting game, then, I play it, and let’s see what’s in store for me. I might surrender the initiative for a while, but not – never – to the point of giving up taking notes whenever a stray idea turns up, ultimately turning it over until there’s a meaning to it, and thus a story to go with it. But I do realize her concern – and mine, though having turned for the moment to face different priorities – is valid, and given a year or so without being able to see much further ahead than I do now, and have done this past time, I can’t see myself but moving ahead of a choice I should’ve found the time to make, much earlier. Regretting this fact. ~~~ Tomorrow Sunday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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