16-12-2004

Right, so let me get this off my chest… ~~~ I think in many ways my life would seem and be more simple, in the event I stepped back and relieved myself of some of those horrid ideas I threaten myself to realize these days. The making of a motion picture, God, what a putrid notion. Where the hell did I come up with that piece of brilliance, I wonder. I could let it go. There is still time, you know. Sit back and spend the time watching good movies, God knows it’s been ages since I’ve been to a theatre. Play around with those computer-games still, dream myself the hell away from my own crazy self. Sure, it probably wouldn’t be very satisfying and self-fulfilling and alla that crap; but I wouldn’t feel this dread of having shot for the moon, of risking humiliation and disgrace. Oh, and of being a sad and total loser with nothing important to say what so ever. Or, allow me to rephrase, GOD GOD GOD WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF to take on this task of complete and utter idiocy, heaven only knows what tiny speck of potential others seem to find, on behalf of that script. Or, even better, could I have my life back, please? Jesus. I lack word towards describing my plea of some extre-terrestrial event to come carry me the far away from here as possible. Preferably to the land of no expectations, no pressure, no deadlines, so much time I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with it all, and no crazed self-fulfillment notions. And no fun. Shit. Guess I’d better stay put. Argh. This is suicide by stupidity. Pure and simple. ~~~ Tomorrow Friday. Am working from home. Probably won’t get much done, as per usual when I try that concept on. Saturday upcoming. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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