25-01-2005

Call from Birgitte, turning the project down. This past two months’ involvement. I’m disappointed, to say the least, and it’s clear the project won’t survive another abandonment such as this. Penned a letter to the others involved, basically a vote of confidence, but still remain unsure about the future progression of the damned thing. Fact remains I trust people to work without pay, with every bit of dedication I feel myself. But it is in their right to dismiss themselves at any given date, which is what they will do if any other, finansially more secure option should present itself. And the production folds with them. Upsetting notion, yet one I must deal with. Very annoying, this. I must admit to being shaken; never saw it coming. Now must support an alternative plan, after having come up with one, i.e. Bearing in mind how the others involved have not yet signed any dotted lines either, it would be very easy to dismiss the current approach and seek a different one. At the moment, I’m inclined to put it to sleep for a spell, to be (frightfully) honest. ~~~ It is, possibly, the wrong time. Attempting to put together a production such as this is a timeconsuming task, and I do not find much of said resource at my disposal, not at this corner of my life. It is much like a job of its own, and besides the fact that I primarily work a regular position to support my family, I also, by way not solely of conscience, work a second job as babysitter upon my return from the primary gig. Fatherhood is as timeconsuming as anything I have known, and it is certainly a something I would not be able to uphold if I were to enter into this production-thing at the hundred percent, so to speak, that I’d like. At the moment I’m at fifty or so, and so counting on others within the production to perform the last fifty on my behalf. In brief, there is no time. What little work on the project I do manage is split up between regular hours and babysitting. ‘Not enough’, i.e. I do believe something like this could be done, if a) I had the budget for it, or b) I’m working with people whom I could trust not to suddenly disappear off the picture. Neither of the two seem viable. Dammit. Dammit dammit dammit. What to do, I’m tremendously bothered by this. On one side, quitting the project frees great amounts of resources, time and money, to be spent at my leisure – a leisure I haven’t enjoyed grand amounts of, within the past year. But it would also mean dampering my personal ambitions, and surrender to a hope, basically, that at one future time I would somehow be succesful enough, or lucky enough, to find any of the two a) og b) fulfilled. But that could take several years, couldn’t it. Ah, shit. I’m all sixes and sevens in this. ~~~ Snow everywhere. Brought out a shovel and broom and got it off the sidewalk of the house, at my house-owners’ pleasure. Haven’t worked out or run in ages, which I got to tell from an aching back and shoulder from very little physical strain, actually. A sorry state of body, I appear. Putting faith in warmer weather, physically but sure as hell mentally as well. Tomorrow Wednesday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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