09-12-2005

Did very little actual work at work. Shamed about it; I shouldn’t lose focus like this. Found myeslf tyring to program a webinterface and balance my budget at the same time. Neither worked to my advantage. Things have come to a bit of a head, and I cannot sense my way out ot if. Affects my overall mood, I’m afraid. Looking at a budget and finding one is in the red and will continue so without any prospects of a bettered situation is frustrating; sooner and later money owed will need to be repaid; I’m not very good at that, owing people money. Fact remains I cannot, given our expenses, carry on honoring all with just one – mine – income. Itøs a lost battle, makes no sense. I vent my frustrations in an increasing manner to whomever cares or cares not listen, equally increasingly annoyed with myself for shooting my mouth off like this. To anyone but the one I feel the need to blame – yes, blame. I find myeslf at my most helpless. Most unkeen in making the choices which will remedy the situation, for they will be unpopular with her, she will come to cry over them and beg of me “there must be a better way”, in turn make me feel as if I’m brutally punishing a child who doesnt know she has done something wrong. Her conclusions in the matter makes only sense when they’re scrutinized in the light of her condition, of having lost her childhood to her mother and her brother to the Lord above, and I so wish I could spare her of all her troubles, but they have a tangible effect on our finansial situation. I cannot bear it, I’m too frail, I guess, for I have tried but there is always more to the need. Is it that I’m too weak, in general? Should I care less, or try to care more? I harbor many doubts, these days. ~~~ To Malmö, to visit with Thomas and Thor. Firstmentioned was giddy as hell to borrow my HD video-camera, for some hobby-project of promoting the sport of paintball in Denmark. Was happy to spend some time with him, he’s a good man. Sis popped in the door, was so damn good to see her again. Thor, as well. Shared two Kilkenny pintas at the Bishop’s Arms, across from the Central Station. He has aged a trifle since my last visit – something around his eyes. I thought. The visit was a merry one. Too long sinces we talked; his share was an extended version, his usualreticence in comparison. A great visit, actually; even enjoyed a few rounds of chess. Summer, a year and a half ago, last time we played. I remember it fondly, and shall try my utmost to preserve tihs very evening in much that same fashion. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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