09-10-2006

Weekend spent in Jutland. Allowed the folks to see the kid, and V to have some time off. Not that she was begging for it. As always, Dad’s the one who takes the most out of it. I should go less often – it’s an expensive trip and in all honesty they’re not that thrilled about as to justify these frequent trips. Well, oftentimes there’s a financial compensation awaiting, truth be told. Dad, he thrives on the company around him. I hope he won’t grind to a halt, now he’s retired. With Mum for company there’s room for doubt. She’s not exactly peaking in her bitterness, but simply maintaining the status quo will do. Her precious insight into raising a child includes the information that she wouldn’t have done it herself, given another shot at her youth. I so wish she’d at least find a different way around those words. They maybe true to her, but they’re a slap in the face to me. But that’s not in her to see. So I’ll go less often, now. ~~~ Drove with Dad to Klejtrup for supplies. It’s always good to get him out for a drive in whichever used piece of s*** I’m driving. He’ll spot the irks of it, and try his best to compensate. In this case, a helluva noisy engine, issue attempted rectified by way of installing a sticky rubber matresses he’d brought from work (last chance at that, stealing supplies) for the purpose. Didn’t work, but valid attempt. In the process of installing it we must’ve done damage to the water temperature sensor, registrered dead on the dial on the dashboard. So will have to under the hood at times, making sure we’re not running rich – always the possibility with these aforementioned pieces of sh***. Drove through Klejtrup and down to Hearup. So much has happened there, over a long, long period of time. Entire farms are gone, others remodelled beyond my childhood recognition. Most for the much better. Granddad and Grandma’s house, prestige 4 wing-farm in my youth, reduced to 2 wings now, the back yard garden turned all over. One can see the lake from the road, now, most have taken full advantage and constructed terraces and such. One can dream of taking some old house all apart and bringing it up as new, to one’s dreams of how such a peaceful surroundings could be taken full advantage of. For certain, these buildings are very cheap at the cost. All for another life, I guess. ~~~ Remain troubled about the notion of second-time fatherhood. Get upset, anxious, agitated for no apparent reason. No matter how long the decision has been on its way, I suppose it’ll always feel as if it’s a last-second call. Adressing Mum on the issue isn’t a grand help, as mentioned. So I guess I’m alone in this; as there’s little understanding to be found, naturally, with V. I say ‘naturally’ not to indicate evil on her part, simply because she’s blinded by the prospects of a second baby as to allow me much room for the doubt ‘s creeping in. Given my unattractive birth-right I’ll never be comfortable with it, with the notion. And for sure, the first girl hasn’t done wonders to alleviate the concept of babies being a sheer load of hard work (but I’ll be damned if I’ll ever, ever admit to not wanting to do it again, given a second chance at that time of my life). I’m opting for the ‘Dad-solution’, to stay away from home for longer than I do now, rushing home to be with them every step of possible way. I do take every precaution to be at home as much as possible, don’t I? Very likely overdoing it, of fear of repeating the old man’s mistake of not being home much. If that’s the truth; when Mum’s acting up like this, I find room for doubt about those stories of hers, about him always being gone. Having never heard his side of it, unlikely ever will. It’s probably true, but I believe I can’t be blamed for harboring the notion. I get so angry. Not lashing out at anyone, of course. But enough to support an agitated behaviour, of which I’m not immensely proud. The solution is to seek some private time. Sort out these notions of ill-faith on Mum’s account. Well, not ‘sort out’, rather… Fuck, I don’t know what to do about them. About pretty much everything these days. ~~~ Got the Media Center up and running, and hurray for that. All my music and movies and news and the weather and and and… and Sukedo, for Christ’s sake! I kid, it’s good. It’s an incitament for opening up this home for more select sounds, more … fun. No better word for it, ‘fun’. Plan to get hold of a gamepad controller and be able to play games from the couch. And have some fun, God dammit. Ole’s coming out Friday afternoon, if not Thursday. Will play some music, watch a movie, show him around, he’s never been there. V takes the child to Funen, so there’s a bit of that quiet-time I’ve been hoping for. Will look much forward to it. ~~~ Tomorrow Tuesday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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