The Year’s conclusion. ~~~ So it won’t be the longest year’s conclusion of mine, but this will be analogous to the year; of not having time enough to do it all. I seem to have kept myself busy at all times, doing various things equally important. I cannot recollect a year of fewer entries, truth come to call. ~~~ Of course work on the movie proved a major dent in the allotted time. I recall how I, supremely unknowingly, originally thought post-production work would take two months, three at the most. How I laugh at that notion now. Though that was sans the step of securing a distribution deal, however important and necessary a step I judge it I can also say in earnest I would not like to have to repeat the feat. All of those calls, all of those letters, so many who never got back to me, so many whom I had to call back after weeks and weeks. Lest I mention those who had not many good things to say about the picture. I have been hard on myself throughout, penning acid entries in this journal and going on and on about falling behind on my own expectations. And all of this even though I once claimed not to care about a distribution, as long as I got the chance to make the film itself. Such bullshit; we get our chance to have our say and of course I’m not better than the rest, who love the creative aspects of life but secretly yearn to be noticed in a big World. I found and signed a distribution deal in the first part of the latter half of the year. And it’s not with a grand, distinguished, well-known company, rather a striving-and-stretching-for-it small firm, and they won’t book the theaters on my behalf, rather fire up the DVD-copier. But I’m not one to care, for those DVDs will be printed and life will come to a beat of a stop when I open the package with a number of freshly printed DVDs, as they’re about to go out nationwide. And my life won’t change much, nor will I come to regard my past in a different light. But I will have had my say in this world, regardless of my initial intentions of soul-fulfillment I’ll have expanded that view to include addressing those around me, and I’ll take it, take it every bit as far as it, in turn, should take me. And then…? I feel as if I could sleep for a year. Will I know what to do with myself, when the challenge of expressing myself visually comes to an end? It’s filled me up inside, production-work, it’s been on my mind within the hour, every day, every month, of the three years past. What’s beyond it? I- can’t say. I’ve forgotten it. I haven’t gone to a movie in a year, it’s been three months since I took the time to watch one, on DVD. I haven’t really kicked up some endorfins in a long, long time. There have been opportunities, naturally, but few and far between. I’ll return to having a bit more fun. There’s a wealth of fun to be had, but this time has been about work, work, work, I desire a bit of time to waste at my own discretion. ‘And then…?’ I might equally ask myself, then what, as that goes away, too? I long to make a better film. Given all I now know about this business, about writing better, about filming better, I long to make a better one. If ever that chance should present itself, would I go for it? That’s a hard one to answer, I wouldn’t have done this one over again in the know of the hardship endured. But the inspiration, ever for lack of a better word, still visits with me time and time again, still I choose to persist it to paper whenever. So there. ~~~ This little girl of mine surprises me constantly in terms of expanding her capacity to express her love for us, V and I, without any of the reserve of my own (even though I do get better at this, too). I take it as a sign that she’s as happy as can be. That’s in her, a basic happiness which I with the end of filming am regaining, and recognizing, myself. With her expanded age approaches trying times, in as much as her hysteria erupts at unforeseen times and with such force behind it I’m forced to seek recluse from the outbursts and allow V to handle it, not entirely to my satisfaction I might add. But really it’s a two-fold thing, for one it’s her way of trying to learn more about us and secondly it’s her chance at learning more about herself in the safety of surroundings she trusts to not allow her to do damage to herself in the attempt. On ‘damage’, the year saw her first injury; as V and she was dancing about she twisted her elbow and had to have it reset by a by us her parents most magnificent and under-appreciated doctor in the trade of resetting elbows. Man, V was so hard on herself, but the outcome was a successful one. She ages too quickly, V states her pedagogue-experience as prove of fact that she’s smarter than most less-than-three year olds, and I would like to, proud father, believe it. She affirms daily her grasp of concepts and the cause-react ways of the World. And they say the jump from three to four years is even greater, shit, I have not idea what I’ll say or do then to satisfy her curious mind, I only know I’ll probably find it hard to keep up. I love her so dearly so. So much of the personal surplus I carry to this day is because of her. Admitted, at times I wish for more time towards self-development, but in lack hereof I do not regret the time I spend helping her develop on her own.~~~ With V, status quo remains. I still love her dearly, she still, I gather, loves me. Her emotions are still at large, though. It’s been a turbulent year in thus regards. Notably with her exams, of those courses she desired (and I paid for) in order to escape the monotony of her regular jobs admitted to her by her general education. She’s fretted so much about the studying in groups of people of irregular interest to the work, of not being able to turn all the papers in on time, making all the classes, passing the exams. In short being like a high-school kid rather than a life-experienced woman of 32 years of age, I found it hard to cope with the emotional outbursts throughout. “Walking on egg-shells”, too many of those times. I cannot tell what she’s looking for. Well, not entirely true, I have a good notion what she’s looking for, but have stopped caring. That’s a horrible thing to admit, but it’s non the less the truth, I have not had the energy for it. And now that I seem to be regaining some, I cannot be bothered with the monotony of her emotions. The themes are recurring and always come to center on her lack of self-confidence, so appallingly left to be desired I don’t know how to put words to it. She wrote a grand book which has so far failed to attract interest with the publishers, and her day-job, well. A general surplus is a long way coming. I feel somewhat inadequate in terms of alleviating this, or even trying. The one thing I might do is provide her with the baby she desires (and I have finally come to terms with, through conversations with others with two or more kids themselves, meriting the benefits and their experiences on the notion and practical deeds when first presented to them). I may admit only to myself, within these pages, that my love for her has diminished a bit. By no terms enough to merit action, I’m afraid I’m frightfully old-school for that. But the care-taking is a bit dreary on me. I won’t be late in pointing a finger of blame at myself: I may not exclusively be mentally constantly present. Let’s see what the year brings. She speaks of desiring a change in her daily circumstances, and signs are that she may react on them. We may have another six years ahead of us. ~~~ On friends and foes. A few of the first, fewer of the latter. Ridding myself of film-shooting in favor of post-production work got rid of most of the pain in the asses. I’m thankful. In hindsight I don’t think I could’ve come up with a much worse crew than this for the film, and in thus regard am even happier in the know of its distribution, pending. Have kept in contact with Dennis, and Mads. And that’s about it. Other than the sorting out of useless contacts, nothing much new here. Ah well, perhaps; visited with Claus in Aalborg, and ’twas a grand meeting. Wanted to get to know him better and now that I have I’m not disappoi
nted. And too few meetings with Thor, alas, but got together toward the end of this year. He boasted, in his own way of contemplative boasting, about getting his rocks off, which was great to hear. Quit his job in favor of going solo, which is great also, best of hopes. I seem to be not the only one undergoing changes, and hurray for that. We’re entering new phases, we the band of late-seventies victims, and this is a time for interesting observations – who’s going where, doing what, doling on the second-guessing of our youths. Some fall behind on the ladder of expectations, others climb it like there’s no tomorrow. I have myself of late become confused about the wheres and whats, but at least, with what I learn from those mentioned, I’m not the only one to confront those shifts in scenery keeps the moss from settling. So there’s consolation to be sought if all turns dire. ~~~ Family, ah, well, same old. Well, in one regard not; got angry with my mother and left her out of the loop for a spell, of course with dad answering the phone during regular hours she won’t have noticed nor probably cared. I heard from her too many utterances of her complaints of a lost youth in favor of childbirth and the challenge hereof. She comes shy within a sentence of informing me of how she regrets having had kids, which leaves me upset. She can’t hear herself from without uttering these words, though if she could I’m unsure she’d refrain from repeating them. And that’s too damn much to bear with a smile, so I retreated for a while, and stopped calling. Then this other month we had a lengthy talk (means 5 minutes, which – again – I guess is saying some) and all’s forgiven. Means I can’t be the one who stays away. Perhaps she truly could, I even think so. A talk that added some ten thousand into my account, at a time when surely needed. But also leaves me puzzles as hell, and insecure like the kid I am to her. That’s her privilege, I guess. Being a mother and all. I take from my dad, and in latter years I’ve become happy (and proud) of that fact. I should be able to tell him that, but I don’t really know how. Will try my best over this Xmas break, am going up there tomorrow (today’s the 25th). Let’s just say it doesn’t get any easier with family, and I’m not even counting V’s side of it. My God, am I not counting it. Sis seems to be doing alright for herself. I think she must be going for the record with Thomas, though mentally though-wise she hasn’t altered over the years, I think she could still drop him in a beat if she’d grown unhappy, or restless (same with her). Well, two beats anyway. She secured a good job and is pursuing the remainder of some education, keeping busy as a bee. I’m proud of her, and at times a tad bit jealous. The independence to advocate anything she might feel like, is something I at times feel restrained about. She does speak up when she’s in need of it, I sense few diplomatic efforts, here. ~~~ The house still stands, disregarding my attempts to alter it. Broke down a wall in favor of new windows in the adjacent living room, did a lot of good in terms of letting in the light, postponing V’s winter depression. For which I paid handsomely, I add, though in honesty the call was of course up to me. At some twenty-three thousand we no longer need to close the room down for the winter, as with the previous year. Still aim to put a door in between the living rooms, though. Had two offers to have it installed for me, threw them down in favor of doing it myself. The old man was around for a weekend near the end of the year, helping me (or perhaps best described as me helping him) insulate the basement guest-room, taught me a helluva lot, or anyways enough to make me feel confident that I might install aforementioned door myself. The upstairs restroom is still not done. What have I been doing with my time? Filming, playing around with the kid, well, those are interesting chores but won’t settle the finishing needs, hell, finishing. And I should get on with it. It seems such an uphill struggle, a house, especially in light of all I have brought upon myself to do with my time from which I should subtract to do it, but I’ll get there in the end. ~~~ Financially I’m in a daze. The month’s income barely covers the expenses into the next, so it’s an uphill struggle. The folks are there to help out once in every while, but I’m not keen on it, nor proud of the fact. But it’s required to assist us in remaining in this house. I have two options available to me, which are a) go another year with this loan and then promote it to a thirty-year loan, instead of the hefty twenty-year loan we’re going on now, or b) promote in V a greater interest into her fiscal matters. She carries a monthly salary of thirteen thousand after taxation, but she’s non the less never able to carry any end of the expenses apart from the food we eat; which is of course great, but cannot amount to more than three thousand a month. But she simply cannot administer a budget, she becomes, shall we say, ‘troublesome’ when she tries, and I have no energy to struggle with her resistance in times of having to struggle with the overall budget and all else. So in reality it’s a choice already settled. I have brooded upon this for some years, but for lack of a movement in regards hereto I’ll refrain from delving deeper into it. We do manage to survive, do we not. Life was never about money in exchange for happiness, and with the coming of a whole new year entire I won’t idle by the notion. ~~~ Work-wise I’m stuck in a rut, seeking new challenges where none are to be found. With the closer ties to the Ministry of Education my routines haven’t changed in their outlook, but only become more lackluster in the red tape required to deal with them. I can be bothered, in other words, for only as long as it’ll take me to come up with new approaches. I might state this with some confidence of having at least tried to secure a new job, notably with Nordic Film, but I won’t linger by the prospect of actually securing it as the applicants are many and the process long. But even if it’ll amount to nothing I won’t be able to overlook the weariness of routine I find with every day I go to work and back. I might be indisposable to them (at least I so choose to deem it, in recognition of them having to cough up a hefty 1st class train-ticket and following plane-trip to and fro my singular week of holiday up-state, Summer-time), and they may be responsible for my first 5 years of real job-experience, but I do feel as if I’ve paid my dues. I surprise myself, at times, admitting a change of this kind to myself, but I gather I haven’t undergone the movie-experience, or fatherhood-experience to boot, without having gained a basic confidence into these matters of major shifts in lifestyle. Let’s see what the new year brings. ~~~ Penning this in the final throes of the year, literally so, on the 31st of the year. Will probably go beyond the new one before I’m done with this entry. Speaks of the past year entire. I do much look forward to a period of winding down my personal commitments. The film comes out in March, hopefully it won’t be after January before I’m done with it, have it shipped out to the print factory. Then I’ll get to settle my other affairs, with this house, with all that’s been laid to sleep in lack of time and energy. By a far, far measure never to-do items in any kind of comparison of a film-production project. I haven’t been able to move forward in terms of personal development, dive into cultural experiences or educate myself further, because the film-project held me back. I thought it was dead but a distribution came along and I will spend the time needed to finish what I started. Then focus on other matters for as long a spell as I deem necessary. I’m happy again. This is not saying that I have not been happy throughout, or for a long time. I’m only stating the fact as I find it surprising how bulletproof I should feel. I do not recall having ever felt a greater down-to-earth confidence about myself. And I know these things arise from a basic happiness about life, so, there. I must be a h
appy man. I have been hard on myself in some parts of the year, I’ll admit. But I won’t delve on it. I have, simply put, better things to do. Well, there we go, three minutes past one o’clock. Turning the computer off, turning the TV on, turning the page. Thank the Lord for the year past, and the one present. I spend a lot of time being thankful, these days.