12-08-2007

So much has happened in the last days, and I have had little time to digest them. Well, ‘so much’ may be an overstatement, yet somehow it feels as if defining decisions have been made and very little time has been devoted to thinking them through. This wouldn’t be the first time I’ve acted on inpulse, yet possible the first time the consequences, would it not be for a positive financial state of our household, are not easily overlooked in regards to the decision mentioned. Of quitting my new-found job, that is; came to work Monday the 6th, gave my notice to be immediately executed (an option in the contract), and left the same quarter of an hour later. To their credit, Saxo Bank, they did their very best to try and come up with solutions to the situation, obviously a predicament and posible a bit of an embarrasment on their part. Would even say they went to great lengths, only to have the subject of their effort quit regardless. So I have quit a job, a very highly paid and very highly regarded job, I have held for only a month and a handful of days. How about that. ~~~ I had a notion that I could be the career-focused individual. The real deal, that is: stay away from my family for prolonged work sessions, do the loads of overtime and come home and turn on the PC and work some more, not do the weekends. Those sorts of things. Well I have truly tried but I am not that invidual, nor can I say, having tried it, that I will ever be. That world, I have found, offers little joy in terms of a satisfactory living. And I gather I enjoy too much what life has to offer, to work it all away and not having at my disposal a healthy chunk of time to the better of my disposition. I have let myself down, somewhat. I have not been able to fulfill my own notion of saving for later, in as much as I believed I could do four or five years of the corporate gig as above described, and come away with enough financial fortune as to rid me of personal debt and dedicate myself to scriptwriting and my family for ever more (…). Shit, I couldn’t even do a little more than a month. This saddens me a bit. Then I turn to regard the consequences of such four or five years, and anywhere I look I cannot but find a wrecked family and a havoc in my soul. Four or five years sans personal fullfilment is a helluva long time, isn’t it. The promise of all the time in the world to myself in n number of years doesn’t bring me anything but gloom. Not when the time to act on great ideas and magnificient inspiration is now, and not years from now. I am not willing to give that up, I guess. Life is to be enjoyed as it is acted out, is the decision at which I arrived. Five years, who knows what five years will bring. Hell, I could work my rear end off for five years and be run over leaving work at the end of the last working day. In short (…), it’s simply not in me. Is that (another) fantasy down the drain? I guess it is. So be it. There will always be another one. I’d rather be in the wrong now than years, and the possible consequences mentioned, from now. My hat’s off to those who do it (because they enjoy it, not because they don’t know what else there is), and do it well. There’re probably a bunch of them out there, supporting the rest of us meager fellows. Still V commented on a tv-show she had been watching this other day, a presentation of two career-minded indiduals, a man and a woman respectively, going through their selected motions and moaning of too little time with their respective families, children included. A shrink had been on notice to state how these individuals, once their working days were over, were often found in his chambers grieving the consequences of having through their lifetime chosen work in favor of their families – no-one seemed to express much joy around that choice. I would like it if that spoke to credit my decision, but I guess I will never truly know. ~~~ So what is there now, for me? Where to go and do? I a way I feel like a teenager again, pondering those teenage-questions. As all the dreams and inspiration on this world doesn’t liberate one from the consequences of not at least to the minimum extent paying tribute to the paradigm of this – our – society. A few options are available. It remains a thankful time to be an IT-professional (which is the dubious title I have put at the top of my CV, the layout of which I stole from cousin Thor), the adds are many but the applicants few. And as remains a month until my leave of absence with my former Uni-C workplace expires, there’s time still to look for alternatives to returning and work for them. Not, mind you, that I would hesistate to do just so, given a negative outcome of any job-applications I may be the author of, as I now surely see how much the kind of flexibility in working hours is worth in real money (i.e. the difference between the Uni-C and Saxo Bank salaries) – and in as much as the climate between the people is much stronger there. My money is on the first option, though. I would like to take on a different challenge, indeed that was the reason I left with them, and that still remains my goal. Even hope to find something a bit closer to my home; I cannot see myself, ten years from now, having travelled to and fro the capital five days a week, year round. I’d like to put that time to a different use. ~~~ A new screenplay has found its way into my life, the ‘New England’ story I always wanted to write but never bla bla bla, now the first three pages are down and only a hundred and seventeen to go. This one is going to take a tremendous amount of time to write, possible a few years, as I adamant inspiration and not bruce force will play a leading role in its creation. This is breaking with my previous rules of that game I’m aware, yet past caring too. Am old enough now to dispense of rules towards a game such as this. It if works, go with it. There’s always the usual doubts, but those first three pages feel okay and they have an air of potential to them, but that’s forever the case, isn’t it. ~~~ I passed my Microsoft certification exam, at least the first one in the line, and albeit not with flying colors it’s never the less a pass, and I was very happy so. Studying for it has been a bit of ups and downs, but I believe I’ll be a better suited candidate towards the job-market on account of it. Feels much like a military-style distinction, those four ‘MCAD’ letters to my calling card (stands for ‘Microsoft Certified Application Developer’. In ways I felt like a teenager again (again), sitting there by my lonesome in the exam room, ’twas like a uppergrade English exam. Same kind of do-or-die sensation – even same type of school-mistress gestapo-style ‘do what I tell you to do and don’t speak whilst I speak’ woman in charge. And, hopefully in the mail soon, a diploma to be put up on the trophy-wall. Really, I was glad I passed. A nice introduction into the … ~~~ … Holiday is here. Includes V’s folks, so naturally it’s an action-holiday of sorts, camping in upper Jutland, Hessellund Camping near Karup. Actually it’s just up a mere mile down the road from my old barracks of Karup Airport Station, whereto I was drafted in the Winther of ’94, I recall. I’ll venture the walk to the Soldier’s Home and take a look around, if there’s an available evening where the kid is put to bed before nine o’clock. Not that my memories are the most merry; I may go on lookout for my dog-tag, which I ceremoniously buried at the Unknown Soldier’s Grave, further up the road still. How’s that for a dramatic, youthful spirit; “I bury this part of my life” etc. etc. King of pain bullshit. Harbor fears it’ll be a working holiday, i.e. tending to the daughter’s needs, but V is at work to put that fear to shame, letting me sleep late and securing me time to myself. Even plan a bit of a getaway to Roum. ~~~ An email in the inbox from the film distribution company tells of a sale of approximately a thousand copies, which at 30% to them and 70% to me secures me about seventy grand. Though they didn’t feel like putting the hand on the bible on the exact figure, so I’m still waiting for the in-house accountant to return
from her holiday and transfer the exact amount into my account. Good news at just the right time. ~~~ It’s a bit of a troubled time with V, in as much as she faces severe difficulty in quitting her job and laying down a plan for her life. Especially the first. She faces, this by her own account, a mental blokade(o) in quitting her job, and there is apparently no easy way of overcoming it. I’m certainly amazed at the extent she has gone to, at this point already, not to put it to them directly. In brief she has seen her doctor and gotten a section-8 leave of absence, on fake grounds of nursing a depression(!) akin to the one she was faced with around a year ago. That’s truly some stretch of way to go methinks, to avoid facing your manager and uttering the words “I’m quitting at the end of the month”. But have it her way, as long as her doctor cum shrink is in on it – albeit unconsciously(o) so – I guess whichever way floats her boat, sts. I have, on my part, strongly urged her to quit said job. I have for a stupendously(o) long time heard nothing but complaints about it when she gets home, and I don’t think I could take it much more, to be the source of the unloading of her anxieties around it. I long to come home to a wife who has some surplus in life, and that surely requires her to quit. I even think our marriage would come to a premature end if she didn’t, it has come to that extent. To her credit she seems to have come up with a solution, and although I can’t exatcly applaud the approach of faking mental illness, I guess it’ll bring her to where she desires to be. Which is a writing course, apparently, and a part-time job nursing the disabled. Both seem like very valid choices in life, to me, and for both her sake and that of our relationships’s prolongment, I hope she remains serious about it. ~~~ This is a turmoultous time. Nothing goes exactly to plan, and even the plans keep changing and then some. I am not proud of myself and my restlessness, and certainly not proud of the recent outcome of my recent plans. I had not planned to be out of a job at this exact point in my life. I suppose the best outcome of this will be to apply more reality-checking, given the heightened awareness of my limitations. I.e. set aside time to do what I would like to do and not try and hide that part of my life away. This includes spending some more time to myself, which again includes not being around the little one so much. She has come to depend on it, and that’s not the proper way for her; ïf I keep it up she’ll never get around to being as socially aware as is good for her. Also it is beginning to get to me; I know this as I have begun to consider it a duty, and not a pleasure, playing with her. Especially as she has grown to the age of testing us, her parents, as to the limits of our goodwill – and tempers. Takes up a lot of space, and I remain the one who needs some peace of quiet and to be with himself as company, from time to time. I gather this will always be a part of my persona, given my upbringing, yet it has been time and then some since I have exercised it, yet ’tis necessary for the survival of both myself and this relationship I’m in. It really takes a toll on me, her constant claim for attention and space. All those words and all that jumping around. I guess all kids are like that. In ten years time she’ll ask me what she was like when she was three, and I’ll have forgotten all about now and will tell her she was the sweetest of dispositions. Am looking forward to it now, but of course, when that time comes I’ll be longing to have her a child of three again. Tomorrow Monday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

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