15-10-2010

Saw the doctor because I discovered a lump in my chest. approximately the size of a nut. Had gone for a few days with a cough and some 80% of my breathing capacity, and apparently this was not because of nothing. She notified a local hospital, where I’m supposed to go for a further check, though I’m likely to take matters in my own hands and get in touch with a private hospital monday morning. ~~~ You get so fragile when you have kids. It’s not just you the harm will come to anymore, it’s everyone in your viscinity. Some heavy notions pop into your head, and they’re about death and what to leave to whom and how to best prepare for the end, given six months in which to live, so and so forth. I would admit to being scared about this, I do not appreciate changes to my body which I have not brought consciously about. The possiblity of cancer is rather slim, I cannot responds in the affirmative to any of the indicators. So what the heck is it, then? I’d rather find out sooner rather than later, and damn the fact that I had to discover the frickin’ thing on a Friday – how unfortunate is that! I hope I’m stirring up emotions when there’s no need for that, I really do. Other than not being keen on the idea of dying at this tender age, I note that my respiratory function is back at some estimated 95%, and even though I wasn’t very decent at my jogging trip this evening, which may be caused by lack of energy on top of lack of sleep, I basically feel alright. A bit sore around the place on the chest, but other than that, fine. Still, it gets to me, the what-if’s. I really hope it’s nothing serious, and that it’ll all be over soon. ~~~ Kid’s not at his best behaviour, grumpy and a poor sleeper during the daytime. I guess it’s the same as was with her. Timing could be better. Would like some more time with him, but he had to get bigger before that’s gonna feel right, his physical vocabulary is still too limited for me to extract any fun out of him, I’m sorry to say. Hope his mood improves; though he’s always quick with a smile, he’s seldom far from cries of boredom and frustration. ~~~ Tomorrow Saturday. K’s attending a birthday-party, beyond which I guess we’d better go for a drive and secure her a new – refurished – Nintendo DS in exchange for the one she accidentally broke and which I was unable to put together again. Don’t know how high in esteem she holds me in regards to fixing stuff; seem to recall some several times when she has trusted in me to repair something and I proved unable to come through. I do hope the doctors will be able to repair me, first and foremost that’s my recurring concern. I worry, probably too much, but I can’t help it. There’s too much work, too many obligations to meet, to allow any kind of break on account of prolonged sickness, I wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. No time to relax, at least not now, not as far as I can see ahead. One day at a time, now, Saturday first. Am hoping for a quiet day.

Advertisements