30-12-2010

Got back from Randers somewhat tipsy, but was glad I didn’t go overboard with Dennis. Would’ve taken the most out of this brief ‘holiday’ of sorts. As is got up at ten and relaxed throughout the day, wrote this entry and did little else. Talked with the folks. Good to see Dennis again, on a different note, talked at the length and had some good fun at that. ~~~ Looking back throughout the months it’s been a year of many facets. Some good, some not so much. I suppose I’m still at odds trying to swallow it all. My mind’s bit of a mess, so I won’t draw conclusions. ~~~ Second kid, good stuff. The last one; shortly thereafter planned and executed a sterialization operation to ensure no further, future action thusregarding. Have had enough of it, in brief explanation. For one who never saw the great attraction in the initial phase of fatherhood I could not ever see myself going through a period such as this once more. And, as I told myself this once before to little avail, thus I took steps to ensure I would not enter into it again. In different circumstances I might have enjoyed it more. Raising children have been, and remain, a daunting task, and I’m not entirely convinced we got the best end of the deal, not when I compare our stories to the ones of friends who seemed to have gotten vastly easier kids. Let me put it differently, if I had known then what I know now, the likelyhood is great I would not choose to father children at all. The emotional turmoil has worn me, us, down, I’m afraid, to that extend. The first few years were pure hell, only survivied on account of those few good moments. That I were perhaps initially not the most suited to the job I’ll admit willingly, and thus part of the blame lay on me. I have been terribly bored with raising the first, there’s simply very little challenge and I can feel my brain coming to a halt as I go through the motions of playing with them. At times I have been falling asleep on the floor. I’m maybe going about it the wrong way. How can I best do this, meanwhile finding a challenge in my favor? Never matter, he’s here now and I’ll make the best of it, and truth be told I admit to looking more forward to raising him than I did her. Which is not to take anything from her, only to say that he’s a boy, with the traits of one, wherefore perchance better suited towards paternal guidence; soccer, LEGO, video-games and such. Methinks it’ll be a vastly different upbringing, but of course only time shall tell. ~~~ Hired my first employee to handle the day-to-day operations with the company, which took a load of my own obligations. Have managed to keep him busy these three months, let’s see how the next year fares. Am uncertain of the time ahead as regards the company situation. Do I continue to run it/will it be profitable enough as to merit my time and devotion/will Vibeke secure employment so as to offer me a choice in this? The latter being the most important element, still the first question beckens fulfillment. Will I continue to operate this facility, given my current sentiments towards it? I have V contemplating assuming a job (the horror), soon the youngest will attend daycare and she’ll hopefully search for one such, already have begun. Thus she’ll be less dependent on that extra income which I provide and which she is truly dependent on. At the earlist convenience of next year I’ll distriute promotional material to figure out if indeed there is potential to continue. I must confess I no longer enjoy the 70+ hour working weeks. I’m tired, worn down from it, having never expected this kind of battering. At one point ’twas a neccessity to preserve our lifestyles, but I have come to the conclusion the situation no longer warrents it. Thus I shy away from the intensive labor. ‘Too much work and not enough fun’… I confess to my egoism in his. I would enjoy being able to read a book, or allocate more time towards tending to friendships or the like. Or even – a dream if ever – feed my couriosity in matters such as technical challenges. As is, the only challenge arrive courtesy of stolen beats of penning the screenplay. Yet I crave a desire to stretch my mind further than this task-oriented daily life routine offers. It may be enough for her, but it is not enough for yours truly. I go numb from not turning enouh rpm in my head. Same syndrome of falling asleep whilst playing with the kids. In short, to perform recreational tasks. I realize that in parenthood there will inevitably be less time for that, but the current level is ridiculous, especially so given our differences in the desire to interact with children vs. our similarities in devoting time and energy towards fulfilling that desire. I do hope I shall find the grounds for a continuation of the current trend, of enough work for my employee and myself, as I do cherish the way that I provides me with a basis of self-reliance. Working for the civil sector, as I do, offers not the same possibilities of determining what to do and where to do it, yet having had a taste of it I must say that I enjoy the decision-making, and particularly in light of that civil sector work I wouldn’t like to do it full time in the know that at any given time, given some sort of alteration in the structure of the government or what not, a decision might come from ‘above’ that, as an example, the department should shed 10% of its workforce. Always a possibility, but with my own company I’m the one who writes the rules (and rights the wrongs, which of course is then the duty of the one in charge – the other side of the equation), and that remains a satisfaction. So let’s see how it goes. I do hope I can keep it alive, as mentioned, least of all because it provides my employee Søren with a job, and he’s an amiable and bright young man for whom I wish all the best. ~~~ Saw progress with the script, to the point of near completion. It still holds true to the best of my abilities. I at least would find it hard to do a better one, methinks. Several factors provided me with the time to get this far, notably hiring an employee for the company. In other words, I paid my way. Also the Las Vegas holiday, organized some two years ago and executed earlier this December, did me good in thus regard. Again, my way paid for. Feel almost guilty in as much as having spent the time I did towards this cause, yet ultimately I made it work because I made it a priority over other priorities, and so I gather it was a conscious effort. It was something – still remains, of course, as it’s not yet complete – I needed to do, as it has been so and so many years in the making and it wouldn’t want it ending up as a project never completed. Dennis informs me it’s even been 7 years since he last heard me mention it, a horrific number of years, why the hell didn’t I make it to now the sooner? I must’ve had the time somewhere, somehow. Was glad I took the time to fulfill this obligation towards myself, I would’ve loathed myself had I not done so and at present there’s enough of self-loath going ’round. So at least a happy end of the year, creativitity-wise. ~~~ I remain, at the end of this year, disillusioned as to my marriage. There are several factors attributing, yet I’m quite certain V shares none of these and indeed, for all intent and purposes, may consider the relationship less fragile than remains my sentiment. Be as it may I cannot see how we’re going to make it past the friendship stage. With every emotional turmoil of the years past, bits and pieces of the foundation has been slowly chiseled away, to the point where I deem there’s little love left. I no longer feel the passion; there’s but a friendship left. Am I truly focused on seeing the relationship regain former strength? First of all one must consider if this is indeed possible. I’m sorry to say this seems not to be the case. As I go back across the years, the emotional stress-points have been too numerous. I recall the nature of them, yet will not mention them here; previous entries will have documented them well. I have thrown enourmous resources at her, money and time, to support her in every endeavor, yet these investments have near
all proven worthless. I do not place the blame entirely with her, let this be said; Albeit I do firmly believe the challenges were of such a sort as few would otherwise have to deal with (in particular having to deal with her relationship to her mother, her lack of self-esteem hereof and finding her way in life), to the detriment of the partnership, I shall admit to being the worse for handling them; others, more proficient in dealing with emotions, would have done a better job. What I do know is this: that I do look forward to moments of solitude where before I looked forward to being with her. That I envy those who find themselves with fewer obligations than do I, on account of having someone by their side who has faith in themselves and the power of will to carry through with changes they feel shall ammodate them. And that I so wish she would believe me when I confide my physical attraction to her. Yet she does not, and this in turn has become the sympthom of what’s wrong with us being together, that we don’t believe in each other anymore. I suppose I represent the majority of that; I even believe she would be content to remain married in this fashion throughout, forever keeping up appearences even if I were to out-loud declare “I do not love you anymore”. The “do as you like, only you must never leave me” gave her away I guess. But what kind of a way is that to live one’s life. And I, could I do that? Let’s say, for the sake of the children? I couldn’t – I would hate myself. So even here we are not compatible. Our differences are too numerous to count, and irreconsilable them seem. So what remains to be done? Having concluded the love is lost, where does one go? So many questionmarks to this entry, as never before. I would need time to think, and to allow for an approved situation to determine if indeed all is lost. And even then time to further ponder the practicalities of a divorce. There is a lot of ground to cover, and I suppose my other commitments in the next year – most of which are in place in her honor – will keep me occupied. So I’ll bide the time and who knows, perhaps a difference in our situations, such as her securing employment and thus myself stepping down on the number of hours working to support the family financially, might rectify some of the issues mentioned. And, well, I guess there’s never a rush to further a confrontation such as this, is there. I sleep well at night in the know there’s no outside influence affecting the situation, and that at the very least my sadness about the deterioration of the relationship remains unbeknownst to the kids. We were never that intimate in front of them, and as per my rule not to fight in front of them (or, truth be told, not to fight at all) they will not be concerned with it, not yet. ~~~ Ten years will soon have passed until I had the first journal-volume printed, as I believe I shall a new one covering these ten years in question. So much has happened in my life, some of it bad but by far the most of it good, and precious to me. They have by no measure been trivial, that much is certain. I have been around so many facets of life, if someone had pointed them out to me prior to the decade I would have thought them inane. Children, creative productions, a host of friends, relationship, own company and what not. Never a dull moment. So many different things to have picked up, I at this point remain as insecure about my future as I did at the very beginning of the new millenium. Perhaps in ten years’ time I’ll baffle myself once on the directions my life has granted me, who knows. I most ways I feel very fortunate still. I wrote near the end of 1999, “In both a physical and mental way I vow to make attempts to stretch myself and look for new borders where the old ones have just been torn down. The potential, I laugh with the possibilities of it all.” Well, job well done, say I. Now onwards the story moves.

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