January 27th, 2011.

You don’t really get out when you have kids. There’s little discovery in life. This day arrived late to the trainstation from work, and had to go a different route by a different bus to get home. And here around the corner there’s a decent piece of the town I haven’t seen much of, ’twas a year ago at the least since I was here and they’ve extended it quite a bit. A lot of possibilities I haven’t been aware of, it seems. It’s a bit like a divers’ bell, you get up to go to work, get back, go to the stores, go to visit family, go nowhere near areas you do not have the time to see. Could do better at getting out and about. Would I enjoy it, probably not as much as I enjoy the notion having that kind of time available. Shutting down the firm activities should do me well in this endeavor, as well as of course having the kids grow up some more.

Marriage life betters as the kid sleeps more soundly through the night. The feuds are fewer, or, rather, the differences of opinion, for that’s what they are. So I’m not suffocating any longer, though still the drearyness remains. What is this life but work and tending to the needs of children, needs which grow increasingly complicated as their social status change. I’m feeling unwell trying to handle them; it’s quite clear my upbringing leaves me with inadequte tools for this job. My best attempts are often shot down before they get off the ground, not because of poor debating skills on my part rather because I realize the stupidity in the suggestions and make way for her ideas instead. I must confess to not feeling fit for this role. Both girls, mother and daughter, would swear they love me, yet this may for all I think solely on account of habit, or possible because my income would be sorely missed. I’m equally uneasy about the concept of love, so naturally I shouldn’t be the best in judging its character. As a test, this, would I remain with her if there were no kids involved? I much doubt it, given my late-found experience in dealing with her irrational and unpredictive emotional outbursts. Would I miss her if she and I were no longer involved, naturally I would, there’s years of history between us. Would I seek her out if she should leave me? Not a chance. So be it.

Could well be the cold and the fact that we both sleep poorly at night, on account of the little one and his improved though still somewhat irregular sleeping pattern, that influences the above. Should not haste to conclusions. Yet how much time should pass…? Months? Years?


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