February 18th, 2011.

Hard to know what will satisfy her. If this relationship should collaps one of the thoughts lingering will likely be “I couldn’t do enough to keep her happy”. Not for lack of trying, there are times as I look back upon the years I get a feeling of having tried too much, alas. It hasn’t done me good, she still finds it difficult to trust me. What brings this sentiment up is an episode of the little one falling down and sobbing, wherefore I do mest best to conform him. Too little avail, he’s at the stage where babies crave their mother’s presence. So after having picked him up and done my very best to conform him, and distract him, he begins to kick and twist in my arms because he wants to get down and go look for his mother. So I put him down, crying still, simply because I cannot hold him and fear dropping him, and that’s the very second she emerges from K’s bedroom and appears appaled by the evident situation of “you’re not even picking him up?”. I suppose it’s the first thought which enters her mind. I do wish it wouldn’t be, though. I would rather it was something akin “I guess he must’ve tied his best while I was away”, but no. She reacts on impulse and that impulse accuses me of not caring for a child, my child even, in need. No trust. And it bothers me so because I have spent too long trying to earn that trust, and to make her happy, but it’s a fruitless effort. No matter how many times I without complaints turn her accounts from red to black, she’ll still accuse me of harrassing her about financial matters. No point in trying, then.

The morning commute sufers from yet another state rail breakdown, have really been too many this winte. I guess I don’t really know as do they how much they have to deal with in terms of equipment and man-hour capacity. Looking at a kid some seats awya, estimate him at two year’s age. Celebrated Nicolas’ birthday yesterday, which V arranged to perfection, and I can’t help but compare him with this unknown boy, and ponder what his looks will be in a years’s time from now. What he’ll look like, what he’ll be able to do, there’s a lot to look forward to. It’s been a joy to be around him for this year gone by, as I’m sure it will be throughout the next one in which he’s just entered. I love him deeply, couldn’t imagine being withhom him.

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