February 23rd, 2011

Bitterly cold. Cold, cold winter. Freezing winds.

What is it that I’m trying to accomplish? Am I microscaling my life so as to better equipped to flee with a second’s notice? Scanning my books, that I may throw the bulky originals away. Am I biding time, why? What is it I’m looking forward to, that will prove more exciting than what I have now?

I can bring about a change, but where will it lead me? I’m building castles in the sky, ‘s what I’m doing right now.

It would be nice to have confirmation that some of what I would like out of this life is, in fact, what I have hitherto gained. But it’s not tangible, any of it. I feel like I’m at a stand still, having very little to do with or influence in regards to my own life. The train station installs an elevator, the neighbour paints his house. V redecorates. I do nothing but observe. And rest as best I can, even during my hours awake. Progress with everything seems insignificant. And meanwhile the cold slows me down even more, my fingers aren’t typing at the speed they might.

On the commute, having just driven by a power station where outside was left a rusty bicycle. That’s a good image of how I feel right now, abandoned by myself.

So what to do about it? Bide my time? But it doesn’t feel like I’m spending time at all, it just flies past without purpose to it. V calls to talk about nothing at all.

Winter must pass. I hope it so.


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