March 20th, 2011.

Out on the bicycle with the kid, second time this year. It’s great, really great, to get out and about like this. Everything is new to him, he’s continually pointing out stuff he’s never laid eyes on before, demanding an explanation as to its function – ‘huh?’. I find his interest heartening, and hope to be able to fulfill at least some of his needs for explanations. The desire to acquire knowledge is amazing, nothing but. And the courage with which he, and kids of his age in general, finds acceptance with new stuff, is equally amazing. If suddenly the earth would have opened up and we would’ve descended into hell for a short while before ascending once more to the bicycle path, well I’m quite sure he would’ve accepted this as just another ‘well I guess that happens around here, what do I know, I’m new to this game’. I guess this is also what makes me the most angry and sad about crimes committed against children, as opposed to those by adults against adults. Kids are clean sheets of paper, waiting to be filled out with the most wonderful lyrics and drawings life has to offer. What can truly break a child’s spirit is when he learns there is nothing good to be found in life, that is not something he will ever fully recover from, there will always deep down be something broken, remain a distrust. Torture, meaningless violence, if the foundation is right an adult will be able to recover. A child will not.  Crimes against children should be punished more severe than remains the case today.

Ripped my entire collection of movies to removable hard disc drives, so that I may ‘travel light’ and take said collection with me where ever I may go. Just another attempt at virtualizing my life. Playing it safe? Even with two kids in the bank I still enjoy the notion of being able to uproot myself at any given 30 minute warning, it’s quite ridiculous.

Seems I have settled back, and fixated myself in this relationship for the time being. And, likely, for the foreseeable future. My discontent remains the same, but as she’s not harrassing me as severely of late, I have found time to reflect. And have over that time come to the conclusion I couldn’t break up this house while the kids are this premature age. She asks me if I love her still, and I respond ‘yes’ even though the answer is ‘no’. Why? She has something I need, as most certainly have I something she needs as well. I need a period of calm in my life, I have so many things to see to, job-wise (both jobs) and creativity-wise, that I can afford to disrupt the current tranquility. Is this the truth entire? Is it not rather the traditional case of up and downs of a relationship, any which one? I’m not the most experienced observer. I could be making it a big issue because I have a hint of creative spirit in me, that needs make a grander conflict out of a brief, dry relationship-patch because I’m out to boost its dramatic value. Without a reference-point all this is merely guessing. It still, despite the current cease-fire, seems unlikely to me we’ll stick together for the rest of our time. There will probably always be this rogue part of me that longs to be free from the obligations of taking care of her. Maybe in time I’ll drown it out with solo travels or the like. Forever the pragmatic, looking for tangible ‘fix it’ solutions. To everything, and everyone.

Brief chat with the old man. Reveals my cousin Per is probably going to low-security prison for fraud, seemingly 120 million down in debts on the back of his ponzi-schemed investment operation, stupid fuck. Recall purchasing my first computer from him, at 400 crowns, think I was 10 or 12 or so at the time, a ZX Spectrum 48k. Haven’t many memories of him, but apparently life’s proving quite an adventure for him. All’s apparently well at home with the folks, spring allows them to get out some more which is great for their spirits, he reports. Hope to be able to visit with them soon.

Tomorrow Monday. Am hoping for a quiet day.

 

 

 

 

 

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