Monday. Cleaned out the garage. Helluva job. Pretty tired near the end.
Trying to convince myself to be done with screenwriting, for good and ever. Have this latest effort lying around, and now it’s pros and cons on whether to do more about it.
I believe I’m inclined to skip it. Yes, I spent and awful amount of time on it, and most of it for good use of said resource. At most times I stretched the potential too very far to be of any use to myself, it must though be said. But didn’t I gain from it, then, even if it was always the intention to find others who’d gain from it. Let’s be honest, I was as much as anything seeking a kind of acceptance I had not hitherto enjoyed. And that, and this is even too much to ask methinks, is what writing did for me. So I didn’t become rich, nor famous, nor did I get my messages across. What I did instead was to become more self-aware, more self-assured, and I gained tremendously in life’s experience and, most important of all, friendships. I would not have been the one I am today, had I not put pen to paper in this fashion.
But now really it’s time to move on. Having gained as much as I think – hope – I care to gain, really it’s time to let it go. The inspiration doesn’t pop up as much as it used to, which is a significant factor the decision. Other priorities, however, do pop up constantly, and they’re much more tangible and immediately rewarding than those challenges of a creative nature. Tending to my family, looking to do a good job as I can in raising my kids, making the money to make ends meet… That’s my life now, and quite besides there’s a year or two of unchallenged fun to make up, that I’ve been missing out on.
I don’t want to concern myself with the “what if’s”. It’s too far away, and non too productive within my current situation. A lot of stuff would’ve been nice, but I’d be stretching the limits of my good luck in life. On account of that screenwriting bug I got to travel and life abroad for a long, long time. I’ll never forget the kind of nerve it took to sit down at that conference at the Nikko in Beverly Hills, and face those studio junior exec’s and spill my guts – horrible, embarrassing, and boldest dare I ever put upon myself – very proud. And I got to write, produce and direct a movie which found it’s release on nation-wide DVD – I won’t forget either the feeling of moving past those lined up DVD-covers in the Fona or the movie shop at the Grand Central Station. And I would’ve never dared start a business, a very succesful business at that, to keep my family financially secure, if I hadn’t done that. So, screw the “what if”‘s. I’ll take the above results and run with them, any damn time of the day.
There’s always projects to work on. I’ve worked since 17 and continue to work to this day, and there’ll be much more and interesting work in the years to come. Only creative writing won’t be on my list anymore. Am I sad about it, well in a way yes. I don’t think I’ll lose that tendency to jut brief bursts of inspiration down. But I’ll be experienced enough to not take it further. My time, and that of my children, and my wife, has become too important to waste, and really there’s not more to be gained than the above described. An academy award, a million dollars, it’s nothing compared to the price I put on my time of having fun with my beautiful daughter and delightful son. Nothing at all. That’s where my heart is, and where my effort henceforth will go.