December 31st, 2012.

I’ve been restless about trying to find a worthy purpose for my time. I want to make it count. But I also want to make money off that time – I have a family to support. I’d thought getting rid of the company in February would’ve allowed me much more time to think and pick the right projects, but in reality there hasn’t been the kind of time I’d thought. I’ll be fair; I have complained to these pages about lack of time, but I have actually been able to do some of what I set out to do, sans a company to run: read, watch a movie or two. Join a friend for a cinema-night, and such. Not to any kind of degree I wanted, but I can’t have that, can I. Not right now, and that’s also fine by me. Right now, so to speak.

So for the past months I’ve been trying to find a way around that dilemma, making money and making my time count for something, and I think I’ve found the solution: I’ll make my time count for something this next year, and for 2014 I’ll focus on making ends meet. Of course that’ll stay that way until I get my hands on a money-making project, won’t it. Never matter: I’m glad to have decided on a project with which to give back a little. No life should be put to use solely to entertain that life. We’re a global community of fellow beings, and good deeds must be done or lives are laid to waste. What’s the use in not trying to apply at least a small amount of time in trying to help others, and move us all forward. I could not imagine using all of my time to merely entertain myself and those closest around me; when all would be said and done, that would amount to but a few joyful moments that no-one else would comprehend and benefit from.

It feels damn great to have arrived at the above conclusions. It’s the piece I’ve been missing from the puzzle. What I’ve been calling my ‘mid-life crisis’ I can now see has been about trying to work that out. And, in as much, in realizing that I can’t do everyone of these projects at the same time.

So now’s the time, for the first month of the new year to come, to clean up some of the superfluous projects and get them out of my sight, so as to focus on those at hand, the relevant ones.

The notion got into me that I needed to be wealthy. After all, I got close enough with the firm, didn’t I, and suddenly I was smitten with the notion. But I’m glad it didn’t go that far, even if it means I’ll need keep a tidy ship throughout the next year or two. I would’ve been stressed out, with having to keep it up, keep the money inflow. We would’ve gotten into huge fights, as I would’ve become bitter and angry with her for not supporting my bid to wealth. But that’ll never come to pass now, will it. Making money won’t make me happy if I can’t find it in my account, and so it’s time to get rid of the notion and just focus on being happy and getting those smaller jobs done which will keep us afloat until she works up her courage to get a regular job.

Ups and downs. Had my share this year, but overall ’twas a better one. So damn glad to be rid of the Uni-C job and the company as well. Glad I got to spend much more time with the kids, and V. About V, ups and downs as well. Won’t sugar-coat the relationship, which at times was strained. She’s frustrated by her lack of progress with her writing, and I was frustrated by her not recognizing that our situation is such that she could apply for a job and the practical stuff about our family – shopping, picking up N from Kindergarten, so on – would be alright about that. But, in the end of the year it’s a pretty solid marriage. And it will continue to be so, if she doesn’t make excessive demands on me.

So bring on the next year, let’s see what happens. I’m seldom bored, am I. Always on the road to learning new stuff. And in this regard there’s a lot to look forward to.

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