14th April, 2012.

Going for a new job – sent two applications out. It’s time to consolidate myself; I have people I’m responsible for, children, even, and they’re not going to enjoy their sole provider being without a job. So will put myself out there and hope for a taker.

And this also means laying the electronics-hobby low, for I’ll surely need my evenings to get up to speed with any new gig. Best to impress them just out of the gate, and also it’s time to update my knowledge.

So a bit of uncertainty ahead; hope to be over it sooner rather than later.

I’m beginning to settle down into the thought of how to live my life. I’s always in such a hurry, am I not. All that I must learn and do… But there isn’t the time for it. I’ve ended up like my father; in the routine of moving to and from work, supporting his family while the wife stays at home and complains of her lost opportunities, yet live in fear of assuming responsibility of her life. Yet in the end what matters is that the children will benefit from the added attention of a home-going mother, though how will they fare in later life if this is the impression of adulthood they perceive…?

I’m thinking of the folks I used to play online with, and would infrequently meet up with, in Northern Jutland. Claus Mortensen, and his brother and those. Them with their whiskey-club, their ever supporting wives whom they frequently left behind to get drunk with their friends, safe in the know the girls would not risk anything that’d disrupt their ideal of a life, rather stay at home and browse furniture catalogues and order matching this-and-that on the internet. Those guys never had a different lot in life but to tend to themselves and their families. And I don’t believe they aspired to more.

I’m thinking ‘that could be me’, and why not. Move to and fro, return from work and fix whatever around the house, sit down for dinner, how was school, how was your day… That’s all that’s required of me, and certainly all V requires of herself  (well, probably considerably less to be truthful). I think I could do that for quite a while. And look forward to retirement, where I’ve probably forgotten half of the projects I wanted to do, and will instead resort to visit friends and such.

I guess I’m unsure of myself. I have dreams and desires but they’re only vaguely profitable and wousld require time I do not have, and circumstances I will not be hear whilst I’m a father to my children and the provider and, let’s face it, caretaker of  my wife. I find myself wanting to not put things -mainly  potentially financially viable projects – in such a grand perspective. Rather life my life as were I dedicated to a singular purpose of simply going through the motions. Not as horrible as it sounds: I’ll watch my wonderful, wonderful children grow and inspire me and be inspired, and here and there will be realized a personal goal or two.

I think I could, and should, do that for a while. In effect, play the role of my father. After all I’ve come to learn a bit more about him, though only by being a father myself and thus being able to appreciate some of his efforts away from home, and from what I find it’s not a bad way to live ones life. Will it be a fulfilling way, though? Who’s to say. But, then, who’s to say it won’t be over tomorrow, this fragile life.

So here’s to going through the motions. Probably underrated.


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