May 14th, 2013.

Thought came to me when I contemplated why I haven’t chatted with Justin for a long spell, how the Internet in its state-less fashion makes it easy to gain friends who are tied into that particular interest in which one gained them – and nothing else. At least, that’s the case with me. So as I haven’t delved into electronics for a long while, alas, because of family and work and chores, the friendship fades into the background and remains there until the interest receives my attention once more.

I’m thinking the friendships I have that are lasting are of a physical origin. In a way that’s a bit sad; one should seek friends, and maintain that friendship, where one’s interests lies. But with the various challenges that life presents us, that keeps us from our interests and hobbies at various length periods, the friendships are eroded. As such, the friendships I have that I rely on were instigated within my mid-twenties, primarily. These are the people I count on.

So I’m vary of that of the Internet and our disconnected World. I’m quite capable and even good at keeping in touch with those I wish to keep in touch with, and not – a mistake of some – putting too much faith in ‘distant’ friendships.

—————–

I’m torn between trying to seek funding for developing the cutting-edge virtual reality technology or rather spend my time developing my IT-skills and go for a consultancy job. The first would mean not letting an opportunity go to waste, but it involves risk. The latter would mean a significantly greater chance of providing for my family, at a much reduced risk – yet there’s no opportunities herein.

It’s a much difficult choice. The first is by far the most rewarding to me. It’s fresh, it’s fun, it’s something I could really see myself get into. Yet there is no safety net. If I do it and it fails, we will not be staying in this house. I can not count on V to support us for as long as it takes me to get back on my feet; she is not able to secure employment in areas where she longs to work, and in areas where she’s educated to work she would not take up employment, and this for the better of our relationship which would surely sour with the agony she would express.

Am I making complaints to myself about not having a wife who could offer me an opportunity such as this, I suppose I’m headed down that road. But I must restrain myself and contemplate also how our kids are happier and spiritually healthier than most, precisely because she does not go to work every day and can be there for her.

I guess I’m a bit troubled by the fact that she does not derive more of a personal surplus from not having to go to work and face those sets of challenges. She’s forever unhappy or upset about this or that. It bothers me that the family as a whole does not benefit more from this. That I’m not released from family duties more, on account hereof. I could provide better for us, were that the case. Minor annoyances could be avoided, as I think they should when one part governs the house. But she’s lazy and could never live up to the standards as would I put forward with myself, were it I who had to guard the home.

Back to the topic at hand. Being rational about it, I’ll take the second option, the lesser risky one. My kids and wife will love me for it, despite her urging me to take on some of those challenges I’d like to pursue. Akin to asking a bum if he won’t try to win the lottery. Truth is that I’m too much into the role as provider, too old to work around the clock and be a lesser dad than I could and should be, and that I simply can’t afford the risk of letting down those I love by selfishly pursuing that which I myself think of as fun and exciting and challenging. I’d rather let myself down, which I must admit to hereby do, as I’m deleting those funding-research e-mails from my inbox and guiding myself in a different direction.

The saying in writing goes ‘kill your darlings’. Same applies in life as well, doesn’t it. I hope I won’t become bitter with each wasted opportunity; there’s a chance of it. I’ll try and treat it the way I do when I have to cancel some appointment with a friend because one of the kids got sick, or V had to go do something or what not, where my reaction is usually one of ‘shit happens’. When you become a dad you give up your time, to sometimes see friends or take up opportunistic challenges alike, in favor of your kids. This is but a slightly larger ‘shit happens’, but the same principle applies. I can still see a life ahead of me that’s fun and challenging.

I can only hope I will, ultimately, be able to declare it a fulfilling life as well.

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