December 28th, 2014.

December 28th, 2014.

Well, closed out the year with a bang of a night on the town with Dennis and Mads. Stayed out ’till 7. Now will spend the next two days recuperating, until V gets here with the kids. If the roads are safe for travelling, winter has set in.

I so confuse myself of late. I don’t know what I’m trying to accomplish, really. I’m running on the same spot. I should be well-grounded now, but I can’t deal with the distractions. What is it I’m in need of? It’s like I’m looking for a way out, but from what and why? My life is not that bad, really. So it’s perhaps not the most exciting time of it, and I’m maybe therefore having difficulties in facing the rest of it. But I shouldn’t be searching for new inspirations, I’m supposed to have it all figured out by now. I shouldn’t be inspired by other women than my wife, and I shouldn’t get drunk and act stupid like this, and I shouldn’t probably even be writing this and admitting to being confused. Could it be the realization, spurred on by copious amounts of alcohol, that this is really it, this is how it’s going to play out?

Why can’t I just take it easy. Is it because life outside a mind-challenging work is numbing? That’s a big chunk of it, I think. So I should maybe dumb down and not work so much – but it’s such, well, shit, fun. It’s fun and I like it and I’m good at it, and that’s addictive as hell. I know what I should be doing, I should be asking myself if every stupid endeavor will bring me the happiness I need. I’m guessing ‘no’ would be the result at the end of each of those equations! And I should stop being self-centered and contemplate the effects of my potential actions on the people I surround myself with. Perhaps lighten the fuck up, as well?

Everything doesn’t have to be contemplated, you know? There doesn’t have to be a grander scheme to all things. Yet there’s so little time left of my life, and the kids are growing up so fast, and. Stuff. I don’t want to waste any of it. Of time. And tomorrow I’ll experience something new, never before experienced, and so the tables might turn completely. In which ways will I grow, as a man? As a father? What do I need to have in my life, to not confuse me so much of late? It’s not content, and it’s not reflection.

Maybe trying to not move in two seperate directions, V and I. Maybe joining some kind of group. Or teaching for free, yea, I’d like to try that. Or get a hobby, like the huge plotter I was thinking of making.

I guess 2015 will tell.


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