April 1st, 2015.

Last day at work before the Christian holidays. Most important time for those fellows who believe in that, the rest of us just takes a few days off. Well, most do – I’m here to put up the new basement staircase, towards which purpose V took the kids to Funen.

So, yea, at work for a spell and then hit the gym, running for half an hour on the treadmill. Overdid it, I think, for I felt dizzy and disoriented when I was walking towards the Grand Central Station. Had probably not drunk enough water throughout the day, even way too much coffee to shed what water I did have. Stupid.

And that’s when the angst hit me, and hit me harder than, what, a year? I can’t recall – which I guess is a good thing – the last time I felt like this. It’s even with me still, though certainly less so.

So what did I do? I tried to call the wife. Was great to hear her voice. And great to be able to have someone to confess to about that anxiety attack, although the worst had passed by then. It just felt good to have someone. And not be alone with it. These are thoughts that make you question your sanity somewhat. And that’s actually terrifying when it happens. Like I haven’t enough thoughts crammed into that skull of mine. So, what do I think of, when it happens? Well about dying, about having to abandon my kids by way of dying, about not ever kissing my wife. Happy times indeed. That’s the thing, isn’t it. Family. I was never afraid when I was single for all those years. I was just sad as hell. Unhappy, lots. In need of a soul mate. I do wonder why so many choose to remain single, these years. I personally think what has changed is our fixation on rapid but brief self-confirmation in the forms of purely online social interactions, and quick self-gratifying rewards in abusing the media accessibly to us; reality-tv, mobile games and such. And keeping cats for company. All fair enough, but there’s very little risk involved in just keeping to yourself. Enter family-life. Well now I have that soul mate. And I have the experience to make it count for something, and to keep it so. And that’s a hell of a thing to have, and to deal with. Thus, the anxiety attacks. I hope they’re – and always will be – mental challenges. I wouldn’t like to discover there’s a physical representation. So going with the mental one I’ll focus on the positives: that it’s far from as bad as those many years ago, and that I’ll take it as a sign that I have a lot to loose, and that must equally mean I’m rather well off, so to speak. Wife and kids are the first thing that enters my mind. And they’re real as can be, and certainly more real than merely pathetic dreams of ficticious situations with girls that I would never be involved with; that’s really all I had going for me, back before my relationship with V began.

I think I’ll lay off the treadmill for now. The exercise bikesuits me just fine anyways. For now will down a couple of headache pills and go to bed and hope to get decent rest. Tomorrow will focus on merely practical matters; there’s a stair-case to erect. Should take my mind off things. I do need these practical projects in my life, to take my mind off the data-crunching and strategic thinking I do at work. And it’s great to do these things and touch and feel a physical representation of your work, as opposed to watching data flow to and fro. Should take the whole day, too. Am hoping for a good day.

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